The district uses federal guidelines to determine the age-appropriateness of a book, but board member Kathleen Harris has asked for a local review to see if North Kansas City students need extra protection. Superintendent Todd E. White hasn't made any recommendations, but his research could be presented as early as the board's February 9 meeting. Depending on what he says, books considered age-appropriate at the federal level could be pulled out of NKC's elementary schools.
Meanwhile, the board has opened the district's school library catalogs online so that any concerned parent, upon uncovering evidence of moral rot in the stacks, can request that the library not lend a given title to his or her child. The access was announced this week; no one has made any demands yet.
Frankly, we couldn't be happier someone's finally taking a good, hard look at the Newberry Award winners brainwashing our children with penguins and Sneetches. Let's face it, name one Dr. Seuss character who doesn't have an alternative lifestyle. So if we can be so bold, here's a list of books that are clearly about more than they appear to be on the surface.
The Five Chinese Brothers -- Hmm, interesting plot in this 1938 "classic." Identical Chinese brothers who have to save their family together, each one using a unique special ability. Huh. It's as if each brother acts according to his ability, as each acts according to his need. Damn you, Marxists! Is nothing sacred? Now more than ever, with the looming giant of China casting its shadow over American industry, this book must be banished.
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs -- With 30 years in print and one film adaptation, most unlearned parents think this book is a harmless story about a whimsical machine that turns bad weather into delicious food. Nothing could be further from the truth. The book is clearly an early attempt by the Jimmy Carter administration to indoctrinate youth into believing that humans can alter weather patterns -- ergo global warming. In the name of science, practical parents must immediately demand its withdrawal from the shelves, lest Carter's fiendish plan succeed, decimating the SUV industry, and thereby keeping us from escaping over felled trees and mountains when his Muslim overlords arrive in 2012.
The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins -- Maybe we are losing the battle to keep Harry Potter out of the pop-culture landscape, but banning this book would be a good way to turn it all around. Do you really think kids just naturally accepted Potter's devil worship without someone greasing the way first? This fantastical story of a young boy's magical hats is an obvious precursor to anti-Christian sentiment. Why, it may as well be that the lad reads the future in tea leaves and chicken bones. By what dark art is your foppery employed, Cubbins?
The Sneetches and Other Stories -- We could include every Dr. Seuss book on this list, but it's exhausting just thinking about his every affront to goodness. For those of you fortunate enough to have grown up without your mind being warped, Sneetches tells the story of long-necked, bright-yellow beasts who have a clear class system. Those who have achieved are given a star on their bellies to separate thems from the Sneetches who only want a handout. A man comes around with a machine that can add or remove stars, and Sneetch society devolves to the point where Sneetch achievement is punished by lesser Sneetches who refuses to pull themselves up by the thingamazigs of their thingamazags. Universal health care is what it's about. Don't let the kids read it. Let's all scream and shout!