Friday, April 9, 2010
Amber Alert! America is missing!
Posted
by Peter Rugg on
Fri, Apr 9, 2010 at 12:00 PM
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Karl Rove would never lure a child into a van with candy.
Ladies and gentlemen, be vigilant! We here at The Pitch have been informed that America is missing. She was last seen minding her own business, playing jacks on the sidewalk, when Barack Obama pulled up in a big black van and asked if America wanted some candy. Once America got inside, it turned out there wasn't any candy and the van smelled like old nickels and there were dozens of little shoes scattered around.
They were last seen heading east.
Thankfully, America's greatest heroes -- Sean Hannity, Karl Rove, the Rich half of Big and Rich -- are throwing a rally to raise awareness about America's kidnapping.
Laura Ingraham, Hannity,
Rove, and country superstar
John Rich are on the "
Taking Our Country Back Tour," which rolls into Kansas City Saturday at the Sprint Center. Hannity and Ingraham heard their chauffeurs and butlers talking about how the baby theft meant they were getting bigger tax refunds this year and universal health-care options, and since Hannity and Ingraham actually care about people, they were like, "Damn you, elitists bastards!" Then John Rich is going to come out. Because John Rich co-wrote "
Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy," he knows everything.
But time is running out. Pretty soon America's going to get used to all this stuff like going to the dentist and sitting on Obama's lap and playing X-Box 360, and she's going to get
Stockholm Syndrome.
Sarah Palin knows this, too. She's having a "Winning America Back"
rally in Independence on May 1. Palin will raise money for a helicopter to chase Obama and climb down onto the roof of the van while it's still moving. Once she has brought the vehicle to a halt, she'll challenge Obama to
roshambo for the child.
And then we'll have America back, and we'll be a family again, and we'll get in Sarah Palin's helicopter and go hunt werewolf-commies from the sky.
Tags: Amber Alerts, America, John Rich, Karl Rove, Laura Ingraham, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity
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