Anyone who's been as obsessed with sex for as long as Missouri state Sen. Matt Bartle must be into some freaky shit.
Earlier this month, the Missouri Legislature finally passed the Lee's Summit Republican's anti-strip-club bill. It was a last, desperate gasp of a man haunted by mammaries. As far back as 2005, Bartle was trying to regulate Missouri's adult industry. You have to wonder what goes on in a man's mind when he wants his name synonymous with ruining small businesses and interfering with individual freedoms. In his nightmares, is he watched by unblinking pink areola? Does he keep a ball-peen hammer in his car's glovebox to punish unbidden lust? Or does Bartle have darker desires and the hope that he can divert suspicion from himself by becoming the face of the anti-nudity brigade?
Sadly, we can't know a man's inner thoughts. So we're asking for your help. If you can prove to us that you've had a sexual encounter with Matt Bartle, we'll give you four free tickets to the July 11 Sublime concert at the City Market.
What kind of Matt Bartle sex story will win me concert tickets, you ask? Truth is the only criteria. Maybe Bartle's tortured past involves transient hookers. A gay experiment one brave night in college. Hell, maybe it was only a furtive hand job in a parked car. This offer goes to any strippers who may have done a grind routine on Bartle at any time, whether at an innocent bachelor party or some night, on the long road home from Jefferson City, when he was one of those guys who comes in wearing sweat pants.
There's good cause for our suspicion. Earlier this month, Christian right leader and anti-gay activist George Rekers was caught with a male prostitute from rentboy.com. In March, it was revealed that the "family values" Republican National Committee dropped almost two grand at a West Hollywood strip club known for its bondage-themed stage shows, in which men and women simulate sex while hanging in nets. Just last week, former Indiana Congressman Mark Souder resigned after admitting an extramarital affair with a female staffer. It's a documented trend: The Republicans who crow loudest about family values tend to be the ones paying leather-clad midgets to dance on their throats.
But we're not just going to take your word for it. We're serious journalists, and we'll need proof. Obviously not everyone is going to have DNA samples, but it'll do if you can give us a really good description of Bartle's penis. Or any noises he might make. Or his 'O' face. We'll be happy to protect your identity, provided you aren't living a double life as a moral crusader against boobies.
So send us your tales of lust with Matt Bartle (e-mail tips@pitch.com), and we'll send you to see Sublime. And remember, even if you don't like Sublime (they do have a new lead singer to replace the dead guy), the face value of all four tickets alone is roughly $150, so you can probably make some cash off the deal.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Home page image via Flickr: michael
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More than 6 million guys and girls inhabit the planet, seventy five percent are aquainted with jesus. One human being talking in only one country, started it, using only word of mouth. Bloggers of today have the world wide web with which to reach all of those people, all this at your fingertips, you can change anything, go for it bad boys!!!!!!
I am the Owner of Big Louie's in St. Robert, Mo. The other Senator involved, whose bill was merged with Bartle's, is Jack Goodman. I will do the same for anyone who can come up with "dirt" on Jack(ass)
I hate holier than thou people who force their views onto others. Otoh, the Missouri legislature, with no balls, fell for this moron's bullshit. Sickening...
Four weeks ago the senator was dropped off at the emergency room with severe abdominal cramps. As a nurse I witnessed how doctors had to pump over a GALLON OF SEMEN from his stomach!
The senator gave some nonsense story about how he had a little accident while visiting a local horse breeder. Supposedly he tripped and fell on a bucket of collected horse semen, head first. He said his head got stuck in the bucket and the only way to avoid drowning was to drink down the mixture. Yeah right!
Analysis of the pumped stomach contents revealed the semen was actually human in origin. When the doctors confronted him with the evidence he confessed that he had been frequenting a gay bathhouse where his voracious thirst for perversion lead him to work the "glory hole" wall, a place where hundreds of complete strangers unloaded their wad into his anonymous gaping mouth, hidden behind a hole in the wall. Nice job senator!
I know this story doesn't give me the right to free concert tickets but I felt it was newsworthy anyway!
I think this guy gave me a handjob behind a gas station once. LOL
Ha ha. BChan, you prove Lupe's point quite well with your own flippant comment... nice caliber.
My suggestion before you angrily type up another non-beneficial insult is that you (and anyone else) check out information on Human Trafficking and it's close ties with strip clubs and prostitution. It's not always "consenting" adults or adults at all.
Food for thought. I'm for freedom. Including the freedom of those that get forced into the sex trade.
Lupe - So true. Pitch, keep up these articles from "serious journalists" and you might be taken seriously one day. Right now you're on par with National Enquirer and claims to grip everyone in the supermarket check-out lines.
Lupe(y):
There is no "logical" argument to be made for obsessively striving to restrict freedom of expression & persecuting consenting adults for participating in activities you don't want your unintelligent supporters to THINK you find, milquetoast compared to what you're into.
Is that of a high enough caliber comment for you... F**khead?
I love the style of reporting and agree anyone who acts publically legislating moral rights has got to be a closet ______(fill in the blank). Keep up the honest reporting - it's refreshing.
The caliber of comments in response to this "journalism" just demonstrates how much of a cheap shot this article is. Instead of relying on an actual argument or logic to contradict Bartle's actions, you instead troll for gossip. Really it's just embarrassing to Kansas City to have this be the kind of writing that supposedly represents those that oppose Bartle's bill.
LOL, the dude is clearly goofy looking. I think if anyone does come forward, it will be a dude!
Lou
www.complete-anonymity.at.tc
I doubt you'll find anything on him, he looks more like the type of person who would buy a "real doll", thus no witnesses.
He does look a bit like someone I once met in the basement of the old Dixie Belle, but it's hard to tell for sure. Don't you have any photos of the back of his head?
We tried. We really tried. But as soon as we got together for unlawful carnal proceedings, he started to go all nerd-gamer on me and shot his load in his pants as soon as he saw my granny panties.
:P
Tear em' up!! This could be intertaining. To the author of the article, don't forget there are plenty of Democrats that have been caught in scandals like this one. Mr. Clinton pretty much "let the cat out of the bag" while he was in the spot light. It ain't just Republicans doing this!
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