Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
Three Bizarre and Filthy Cash-in Kids' Books
Discovered at: Thrift stores across this great nation
Once in a while, attentive cartoon fans spot impossible surprises that shouldn't have got past the executives: a sex-toy on The Little Mermaid video box, or a topless gal in The Rescuers, or the word "SEX" in a dust cloud in The Lion King, or an honest laugh-out-loud joke in last week's season premiere of The Simpsons.
The shocks differ, but they stir up the same questions each time: Is it truly there or is it a collective delusion? Would Disney or whoever intentionally risk the good will of families?
The money's smaller at the ass-end of the tie-in book racket, so the answers to those questions come easier. Of course the team behind the wretched little novelization of Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life relish the thought of their heroine indulging in toilet-time sex. After all, this is the first blockbuster film series adapted from a pair of breasts.
Then there's Jack Frost, a 1998 family film about all the fun kids have after their fathers die.
The dad (played by the husk of Michael Keaton) comes back to life as a snowman for one final chance to bond with his son ...
... and teach him that boys can melt, too.
At first, I assumed this hot snowman-on-man action had to be a mistake. But then I opened the book to this:
And this:
And this:
With just a couple seconds of exposure, Teletubbyland's giant sun-baby would make a puddle of Buttdad Sex Snowman. Still, the Tubbies get freaky, too, but not in the entirely natural ways alleged by Jerry Falwell. Instead, in this coloring book, Tinky Winky's true pleasures tend toward the technological.
It all starts innocently enough.
Quickly, though, Tinky Winky gives us a scene from his one-Tubby-show "Man & Machine."
Slurp!
Like the best children's programming, Teletubbies emphasizes politeness and manners.
Always thank your Hoover Suckbot!
In fact, a true gentleman turns right around and repays the favor.
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Tomb Raider people knew. Jack Frost is an innocent mistake but funny as hell. Teletubbies I can't figure at all, but that SLURP sure is suspicious.
You know that hat Frosty has to wear to stay alive? Jack Frost is like that but with a condom.
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