Thursday, October 7, 2010

Black Swan film review: Natalie Portman has sexy time with sexy friend Mila Kunis

Posted By on Thu, Oct 7, 2010 at 8:00 AM

Oh yes. This is happening.
  • Oh yes. This is happening.
Oh yes. This is happening.
As a young man who appreciates all the warming trays in our cultural buffet, I've made it a point to attend this year's Kansas International Film Festival at the Glenwood Arts Theater. I was especially interested in the screening of the Black Swan,  from Darren Aronofsky, the director, nay, auteur, responsible for such statements of our times as the Wrestler, Requiem For A Dream, and Pi.

It pleases me to report this newest picture is a nightmarish thriller of such artfulness as to recall the early work of artists like David Cronenberg, or perhaps Michael Powell at his most bittersweet. Also, Mila Kunis absolutely has sex with Natalie Portman. SPOILERS!



You remember how last year every nerd was running around talking about how James Cameron changed cinema with Avatar and that they couldn't bear to live in the real world anymore because it wasn't as beautiful as Pandora? Hey Cameron, I've got some news! Did you know that Darren Aronofsky just took that technology you spent 10 years working on and made it look like 162 minutes of Danny Devito sitting on the toilet while eating KFC Extra Crispy out of the bucket? And that someone smeared vaseline on the camera lens? That's what just happened. Because I've seen how to make real beauty on screen, and it's Mila Kunis burying her face in Natalie Portman's muff. BOOM!

I mean the scene starts and you think, well surely the camera's going to cut away or fade out or something but it doesn't. I mean it's right up in there. And then Natalie Portman's rolling around and you figure she'll stop it because her character is sort of uptight and virginal but then Mila Kunis is tearing panties and this shit is happening for real. And I look over at the girl I came with, and she's got her sweater pulled up over her nose like she's going to rob a train, and her eyes are huge and she clearly can't believe it either. This is graphic. Wow. The audience is totally silent because while we're not sure whether Natalie Portman is actually changing into a swan in some sort of Kafka-esque metamorphosis as an expression of her psychological turmoil, Mila definitely just slipped a finger in there.   

People are going to write songs about this.

So, in conclusion, thumbs up. Eat it, Shawn Edwards.

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