Fulfilling everyone's expectations, Republican Sam Brownback just destroyed Tom Holland at the polls last night, becoming the next governor of Kansas.
Of course, as a professional journalist and expert on policy, I prepared for this moment by analyzing Brownback's statements. Unless I completely misunderstand both Brownback and, indeed, the human heart, I think we can conservatively predict every unoccupied uterus in Kansas will be forced to rent out space to fetuses in the paper's classified section next to studio apartments and barely-used Bowflexes. Also, the eventual baby will be delivered by an illegal alien because he's weirdly open to immigration reform.
Gosh, what else does this mean for you guys. Well if you're gay, you're totally fucked. Also, as The New York Times reported, Democrats and progressives are going to have no say in anything. They shouldn't feel too bad though; even moderate Republicans are going to have all the communicative power of a bleating sheep. Politically, this is like the everyone to the left of Brownback just had their voiceboxes cut out and their hands surgically removed so they can't even play charades.
Things are looking up for anyone who wants alternatives to evolution taught in public schools because baby Jesus wasn't a monkey. This is also good for people who love guns, but realistically that's everyone who's ever experienced the cock-rocking thrill of firing a loaded .357 into the darkness. Drugs, however, will put you in prison where there are no awesome guns, so get high on the power of American steel instead, kids.
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He and Matt Bartle are touching each other's shoes, with that famous "Wide Stance".
After a long walk on the beach, candlelight dinner, blue veined meat roll under (gl)ass.
They both know Jesus personally, and will be glad to help him throw you into a river of fire for your sins.
Later, after they both go home and kiss their wives, they will speak on the phone.
Finally, *sigh* after intimate conversation, the inevitable...
MATT: "You hang up."
SAM: "No, you hang up."
MATT: "You hang up honey, or I will text you a pic of those dreadful strippers!"
SAM: "You wouldn't dare! Just hang up!"
MATT: "Your sweet, I will hang up first tomorrow night."
SAM: "Wait, sshhh! Oh shit, I think my wife wants sex, she has lingerie on!"
MATT: "Do the headache thing. I gotta go, luv ya Sammy! Kisses!"
SAM: *Turns to his wife* "Yes its Matt! But we were planning more legislation in our border states to keep Strippers and Gays off the streets! Man what a headache I got...whew!"
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