Monday, December 27, 2010

The 10 Best Rightblogger Rants of 2010: Obama vs. Jesus, the sperm donor menace and more!

Posted By on Mon, Dec 27, 2010 at 9:00 AM

click to enlarge rightbloggers_thumb_200x230.jpg

What a horrible year it's been. There's been something to annoy everyone, and everyone took full advantage: The health-care bill, the Tea Party, the BP spill, the Ground Zero Mosque, the Glenn Beck and Jon Stewart rallies, the Republican comeback, the enhanced TSA patdowns, WikiLeaks -- and every big thing that happened, it seemed, led to an even bigger bitchfest.

Thank God for the rightbloggers who helped get us through all this.

Whatever the issue, however intense the debate, some conservative cowboy

could be counted on to bring The Crazy, and bestow upon a grateful

nation the healing gift of laughter.

We've sifted through our archives and found our 10 Best Rightblogger Rants of 2010. Read on! Collect the set! Suggest your own!

10. The World Series: Patriots Know Who To Root For!

You'd think people who are always bitching about Political Correctness

would know enough to leave politics out of sports. Alas, not even the

October Classic is safe from their ministrations.

Aaron Goldstein's essay at The American Spectator, "A Red State-Blue State World Series,"

focused on "the political and cultural divide that exists between the

two cities" whose teams were to compete in the Series. This year the

Series was between the Rangers of Arlington, Texas and the Giants of San

Francisco. You can guess which Goldstein considered a suitable home for

America's team.

lincecum.jpg
Damn liberal hippie.
​"When

Rangers center fielder Josh Hamilton accepted the American League

Championship Series MVP," said Goldstein, "the first thing he did was to

praise God and Jesus Christ." If that happened in San Francisco,

Goldstein added, "Half the crowd would have been on the phone with the

ACLU. The other half of the San Francisco crowd would be on the phone

with PETA because of the head of a ten point buck that is mounted above

Hamilton's locker."

Also the Giants' ace, Tim Lincecum, "was charged with misdemeanor

possession of marijuana in November 2009. ... And where else but San

Francisco could Giants first baseman Aubrey Huff be embraced for wearing

a ladies' thong?" I mean, c'mon, people -- swish swish, amirite?

The Giants won the Series, but despite this reversal, conservatives

scored big in the following week's elections. Maybe it's fixed, like

wrestling.

9. The Libertarian Case Against Public Roads. We've all

heard libertarians complain about being stereotyped as unreasonable

anti-government obsessives. "I even used to be [a libertarian] myself," Peter Bagge had one wise guy cracking, "only I'm in favor of roads."

Things can't have gotten easier for them after the libertarian magazine Reason ran a video

in which Professor Bruce Benson of Florida State actually argued

against public roads. "There's certainly no reason that private firms

couldn't run all the toll roads in the United States," said the

Professor.

sandlertoll.jpg
  Hey! Private Road!
  No Toyotas allowed!
​As

it stands, Benson told viewers, people abuse Gummint roads because they

don't realize that they're maintained by confiscatory taxes -- "we all

pay gasoline taxes," he admitted, "but there's no direct link between

that and the roads in the minds of most people."

If they did know, they'd surely go for the Professor's

solution, which is to replace Gummint roads with roads "created by

groups or firms who want people to come to their location. ... Las Vegas,

for instance, wanting people to have easy access from Los Angeles." If

you wanted to get from Los Angeles to, say, Ridgecrest, California,

instead, you could always get someone to put in a casino there, or take

your chances on the crumbling remnants of the old, defunded Socialist

Highway System.

Extra points for the video's groovy acoustic guitar soundtrack,

evocative of a free-spirited hitch-hiker thumbing a ride on the

Starbucks Highway until private security guards throw him off.

8. The Absolute Worst Tea Party Representative Ever. It

always amazes us when some patrician character declares himself part of

the grass-rootsy Tea Party. Take Instapundit blogger Glenn Reynolds -- a

Yale graduate, and for years employed by the state as a law professor

at the University of Tennessee, yet a big TP supporter who denounces Obama

as "the favored candidate of the Gentry Class" who allegedly enjoy

"looking down on Americans from Flyover Country." Presumably Reynolds

distinguishes himself from that lot by taking a jug and some chaw down

the General Store of a night, and talking Constitutional principles with

the salt of the earth.

(Elsewhere Reynolds has introduced his readers to a self-professed Yale

alum and "former Wall Street trader" who described himself as an "elite anti-elitist Tea Partier... tired of being condescended to" by the bad kind of elitists.)

hansadam.jpg
Live Free or Die, My Subjects!
​But National Review's Peter Robinson topped that in a November interview.

Robinson quoted his subject, and told him, "Are you aware that those

words could have been written by Sarah Palin? If you were an American,

you'd be a member of the Tea Party," to which the subject replied,

"Yeah, I have to accept that."

Robinson's subject happened to be Prince Hans Adam II, the hereditary

ruler of Liechtenstein. (Robinson referred to the Prince as "Your

Highness" throughout.) "Prince Hans-Adam II," the principality's page

tells us, "grew up with his three brothers and sister at Vaduz Castle,

the parental home." We'd love to see him at one of these Tea Party

things, giving the crowd a royal wave and describing himself as a "royal anti-elitist Tea Partier" before giving the stage over to his jesters and minstrels.


7. Back to the Future. Jacob G. Hornberger

got to talking, as libertarians will, about how little freedom we have

left, and how much better things were "from the inception of the nation

to the latter part of the 19th century. The principles are simple to

enumerate: No income taxation (except during the Civil War), Social

Security, Medicare, Medicaid, welfare, economic regulations," etc.

Some spoilsports pointed out, and Hornberger generously acknowledged,

that "I made a mistake and neglected to include the slavery exception

in my article..." Nonetheless, he said, "should those exceptions and

infringements prevent us from appreciating and honoring the fact that

our ancestors brought into existence the freest, most prosperous, and

most charitable society in history?"

suffragettes.jpg
  Don't do it, ladies! The next step
  is Social Security!
Bryan Caplan got in on this theme, focusing not on black people but on women. "In what ways, then," he asked, "were American women in 1880 less

free than men?" True, they couldn't vote -- "Yet the fact that women

were unable to vote in defense of their 'basic liberty rights' doesn't

show that American political system denied them these rights." As to the

objections many of you are no doubt raising at this moment, Caplan had

answers to those, too -- e.g., "For a women to work outside the home

against her husband's will was probably almost as contrary to their

mutual expectations as adultery ... from a libertarian standpoint,

[women] were freer than they are on Sex and the City."

If you wonder why the prescriptions of these freedom fans do not strike

you as conducive to actual freedom, it may be that it's not your freedom they're fans of.

(Bonus fun from Caplan:

"Yes, I wish to clone myself and raise the baby as my son. Seriously.

I want to experience the sublime bond I'm sure we'd share. I'm

confident that he'd be delighted, too, because I would love to be raised

by me...")

6. They Just Got Caught Up With The Wrong Crowd. The horrific history of Catholic child abuse presents problems for religious conservatives, but Rod Dreher of Beliefnet found a possible loophole: Blaming society.

stvincent.jpg
Well, at least there was no rap music.
​Noting

a British company that sold bikinis for children, Dreher said that

while "I'm the last person to want to cut the Catholic Church any slack

over clerical child sex abuse" (under the title "Sex-mad society

scapegoats the Catholic Church"), you had to admit, "it's not only

Catholic bishops who have failed to halt the sexualization of children.

We are all complicit. ... As awful as the 1950s church was, with abuse of

children going on behind a veil of sacred secrecy, is it really true

that kids back then were worse off than kids today, in terms of the

moral environment?"

Well, it depends: If the '50s boys you imagine had happy, healthy

childhoods, perhaps not. If they were being fucked by parish priests,

then definitely yes.

5. The Dry-Cleaning Bust Explained. The "Going Galt"

thing -- whereby patriotic businessmen claim they will withhold their

useful labors from society until the Kenyan pretender Obama is turned

from office -- is still going on. Dan Kennedy has proof!

Kennedy knows "the owner of several companies" who showed him "a pair of

cufflinks he'd just had custom-made, engraved with the words 'Who Is

John Galt?'... This business owner said the cuff-links were the last

item other than absolute necessities that he would buy until Obama was

an ex-president."

progcleaners.jpg
  And that sign has got
  to go, too.
​Better

yet: This owner of several companies "said he was sending out a letter

to the restaurants and shops he patronized," Kennedy claimed, including

"his dry cleaners, the service companies that tended his lawns at his

homes -- over 200 different business owners -- letting them know that

President Obama had determined he was making too much money and was too

rich for reason. Therefore, he was going to cut sales and production at

his companies by half, himself work but one day a week, cut business

spending to the bone and personally buy nothing -- other than vacations

out of the country -- until the president exits."

What joy there'll be at this patriot's dry cleaners when President Palin

is sworn in, and this wealth-producer is again sending in his

monogramed socks.

4. There'll Be Bowing, Praying, A Muezzin Braying, and Muslims in The Streets. That whole Ground Zero Mosque thing put some people on edge, and others over it. Someone sent around an e-mail

with pictures of hordes of Muslims bent in prayer and filling midtown

streets, claiming "this is an accurate picture of every Friday afternoon

in several locations throughout New York City where there are mosques

with a large number of Muslims that cannot fit into the mosque. They

fill the surrounding streets, facing east for a couple of hours between

about 2 & 4 pm."

msulimday.jpg
Have you forgotten 9/26?
​New Yorkers will have quickly guessed the photos are from a public event: The annual Muslim Day Parade. But John Derbyshire of National Review

-- whose offices are in New York -- was enraged: "If this kind of

obstruction of roads and sidewalks is really going on in Nurse

Bloomberg's city -- where a restaurateur can get a four-digit fine for

placing a chair on the sidewalk without the proper permit -- it's a

disgrace."

To his credit, Derbyshire later acknowledged the existence of Muslim Day, though of course he did not approve.

His original post, however, remains unamended, Facebook-liked by 68

people, and suitable for forwarding by your aunt in Nebraska who isn't

one bit surprised that New York has descended into such dhimmitude.


3. Special Prize for Graphics. At Pajamas Media, "Zombie" examined the Texas schoolbook controversy

(short vs: rightwingers made the books more rightwing) and came to what

he probably considered a Solomonic conclusion: "However grotesque

Texas' twisting of facts may seem at first glance, it's positively mild

compared to what's going on coast-to-coast in the rest of the country's

classrooms" -- that is, there's been a "subtle yet effective long-term

project by the American left to fundamentally transform our schools" (too many ladies and minorities in textbooks, for example), and the Lone Staters are just trying to restore balance.

The whole five-part [!] series is a pip, but the illustration provided by Buzzsawmonkey is by far the most eloquent part:

texasjesus2.jpg

Yes, that's Obama and Karl Marx fighting over a little boy with Jesus and Texas. And you thought The X-Men vs. The Avengers was epic!

2. The Sperm Donor Menace. Social conservatives may be getting the idea, in this post-DADT

era, that the Gay Menace will not long survive as a subject of outrage

or fundraising tool. So some of the more adventurous among them have

begun working on new frontiers.

The folks at Family Scholars, out of the Institute for American Values,

have found a rich vein: the menace of test tube babies. Actually it's

the test tubes that are the menace -- at least some the babies are

growing up to complain of the stigma of their in vitro origins.

"You know what I am afraid to tell people?" says "Alana S."

"I'm afraid to tell them that my dad was a sperm donor. To me, that is

creepy. To me, that sounds disgusting. To me, there is something wrong

with that. It embarrasses me. So for the most part, I don't tell anyone.

I tell them my dad is dead." Nice save!

Alana has "gay, bisexual, and transgendered friends," and accepts that

"gayness is not a taboo anymore." ("That said," she adds, "I can not

endorse gay marriage.") So now it's her turn to be the victim.

"Kids (like me!) eventually grow brains and realize that they've been

suckered out of a major, major requisite for happiness," she said. You

can't put your arms around a fluid fertilization medium!

kidsallright.jpg


Her plight, and that of others in the "D-Generation" (for "donated," not for the very fine Jesse Malin band, alas), is recorded at Family Scholars under the "My Daddy's Name is Donor" tag. There you may read stories like "Donor Kids Crave Genetic Identity" and weep. And they're all over that movie with the photogenic, inseminated lesbians -- a Family Scholar is here to tell you that "in real life, there is no script for these kids," and you'll certainly hear from her again come Oscar time.

Expect more op-eds on this theme until they get a Proposition on the

California ballot. It's time someone put a stop to activist

embryologists!


lucyshrink.jpg
  Beyond therapy.
1. An Analysis of Obama's Multiple Mental Illnesses. 10 out of 10 rightbloggers agree: That Obama ain't right. He's either a fascist or a socialist or an alien or a who knows what-all.

But there's a rightblogger sub-species that goes in for more specific

diagnoses of the Commander In Chief: Long-distance psychoanalysts such

as Dr. Irwin Savodnik,

who in 2009 deduced that Obama went on vacation to Martha's Vineyard

because "that's where the utopians go. And like many utopians, he wants

to transform all of us into the idealized participants of his dream. I

suspect he hears his inner voice more loudly than he hears the shouting

crowds of unruly moms, grandmas, and sick kids...."



One indefatigable practitioner of this craft is an American Thinker contributor called Robin of Berkeley.

"Obama's odd mannerisms intrigue a psychotherapist like me," she told

her readers. "He also presents a serious diagnostic challenge." But not

such a challenge that, even from miles away, Robin could not begin her

examination:

There are a multitude of physiological

conditions that can cause people to act strangely. For instance: head

injuries, endocrine disturbances, epilepsy, and toxic chemical exposure.



It makes me wonder: Did Obama ever have a head injury? His stepfather in

Indonesia was purportedly an alcoholic abuser. Was Obama subject to any

physical abuse?

She also considered the possibility of

Asperger's Syndrome, cocaine addiction and a hereditary "delusional

disorder." Also: "While I can't prove it, the degree of Obama's

disconnect reminds me of my sexually abused clients."



Robin's still at it -- recent sample:

"Recent photos of Obama have been alarming; they depict a man boiling

over with rage. ... He wants us to suffer. That's why there's an impish

gleam in his eye when he consigns Republicans to the back of the bus" --

and she has to be considered a strong contender for this No. 1 slot next

year, too. Rightbloggers, step up your game!


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