It's Friday in Kansas City. Happy hour has bled into the weekend, steeply discounted beer by steeply discounted beer. You are determined not to spend the night alone, even if your eventual partner is just the glow of a fully charged laptop. How will the night end?
Until recently, we had no idea. But now, after reading the responses of the 1,100 people who filled out The Pitch's first-ever sex survey, we have a slightly better (if mostly unscientific) idea.
A couple of notes: Where the differences were interesting, we separated the answers by men ("M") and women ("F"). After the multiple choice responses we'll share some of the most interesting and amusing write-ins.
But first, a look at who took the survey (click to enlarge):
And now, the results ...
Have you ever cheated on your significant other?
Yes (M: 49%, F: 47%)
No (M: 51%, F: 53%)
Are you cheating right now?
Would you cheat if you knew you wouldn't get caught?
Yes (M: 35%, F: 22%)
No (M: 65%, F: 78%)
Do you consider sexting, phone sex or video sex to be cheating?
Yes (M: 63%, F: 84%)
No (M: 37%, F: 16%)
What websites have enabled a sexual encounter for you in the past year?
Paid dating site (9%)
Free dating site (14%)
How often do you watch porn?
I've never watched it. (M: 3%, F: 14%)
When I get around to it. (less than once a week) (M: 35%, F: 68%)
Not enough! (1-3 times a week) (M: 30%, F: 13%)
Enough (4-7 times a week) (M: 26%, F: 4%)
My computer won't last the month. (more than once a day) (M: 6%, F: 1%)
How often do you use a sex toy (or any equipment, really)?
I've never used one. (M: 50%, F: 18%)
When I can find it in the closet. (less than once a week) (M: 42%, F: 50%)
Not enough! (1-3 times a week) (M: 6%, F: 25%)
I have a 7th Heaven frequent-shopper card. (4-7 times a week) (M: 2%, F: 6%)
I wore out the strip on my 7th Heaven frequent-shopper card. (more than once a day) (M: less than 1%, F: 1%)
Have you ever been tested for an STD?
Yes (M: 63%, F: 82%)
No (M: 37%, F: 18%)
Has your partner been tested?
Yes (M: 51%, F: 62%)
No (M: 20%, F: 11%)
Don't know (M: 29%, F: 27%)
If you're straight, have you ever had a same-sex encounter?
If you're gay, have you ever had an opposite-sex encounter?
How often do you have an orgasm during sex?
What's an orgasm again? (never) (M: 1%, F: 6%)
Ugh, don't ask. (less than 25% of the time) (M: 1%, F: 16%)
Not enough! (26-75% of the time) (M: 7%, F: 20%)
Enough (76-99% of the time) (M: 43%, F: 37%)
I'm a very lucky girl. Or dude. (100% of the time) (M: 48%, F: 21%)
Have you ever had sex with someone you worked with?
Yes (M: 61%, F: 60%)
No (M: 39%, F: 40%)
Yes (M: 80%, F: 64%)
No (M: 20%, F: 36%)
What do you call sex?
Making love (9%)
Having sex (54%)
Getting it on (8%)
What does your partner call it?
Making love (19%)
Having sex (54%)
Getting it on (8%)
When you want sex, what do you say to your partner?
I want you. (72%)
Wanna fuck? (25%)
Remember what happened when you got dumped for a day? Can we do that again? (3%)
What do you do when you don't want it?
Say, "I have to pee" and never come back from the bathroom. (2%)
Plead headache and go to sleep. (8%)
Say, "I'd rather not" and then cuddle. (36%)
Do it anyway. (47%)
Play dead. (7%)
During sex, you ...
Remain eerily silent. (4%)
Stick to moans and grunts. (50%)
Offer clear and precise instructions, feedback and words of enthusiasm. (34%)
Have to keep a pillow over your face so no one hears you. (12%)
We also asked what were some of the dumbest things you've heard in bed over the years.
"Fucking magical!" (M)
"I learned that at blow-job school." (M)
"A girl once told me not to cum because she did not want me to leave." (M)
"Can I put my butt in your butt?" (M)
"Cum in my ear!" (M)
"For some reason, I would like to punch you in the face." (M)
"Full steam ahead!" (M)
"I don't even like you." (M)
"This lotion smells like a grandma." (M)
"This survey is getting a little long." (M)
"Can you smell what the Rock is cookin'?" (F)
"Your breasts are stupendous." (F)
"A white guy kept calling me mamacita and making what he thought were Spanish phrases and words. Just because I'm Mexican doesn't mean I need to hear ay mamacita all night." (F)
We also pondered this scenario: It's Friday night in Kansas City. You absolutely have to have sex. Where do you go?
Most Common Responses
Power & Light
My cell phone
Backpage/Craigslist (only men said this)
"I'm a redhead with huge tits. I don't have to go anywhere. They come to me."
"13th and Prospect"
"Your mom's place"
"Anyplace in KC North. The girls are much easier."
"If I knew that, I wouldn't tell anyone."
"Anywhere people are having fun, dancing and drinking."
What's the one thing you would never, ever do, no matter what?
"Blow Dick Cheney."
"Have sex with a child (someone under 15)."
"HAVE SAME GAY SEX." (Almost every straight man said this, and plenty of women said the same.)
"I've done it all. Seriously."
"Kill somebody." (Four people said this.)
"Rape a unicorn."
"Fuck my sister's boyfriend."
"Have sex on a police car with the cop in it."
"Two dudes at once -- DP is scary."
What won't your partner do -- never, ever, no matter what?
"Share my wife with another man."
"Be raped by a unicorn."
"Give me $1,000,000."
"Role-play as Asian schoolgirl."
"So far, she's been game for anything."
"N/A, he loves me."
"Tell the truth."
What activity did you add to your repertoire in the last year?
"Golf course sex" (F)
"Having great sex with a married man who isn't my husband." (F)
"Nipple clamps and paddles" (F)
"I'm still getting used to regular sex." (F)
"Taking pictures of myself and texting to friends." (F)
"Alabama Crab Dangler" (M)
"Happy ending massage" (M)
"I stick to the classics." (M)
What's the sexiest thing you and/or a partner did in the last year?
Several people tried role-playing or public sex. Then there were these folks ...
"Steamy shower sex -- broke the door."
"Made rainbows shoot out my head."
"She wore my combat boots and nothing else."
"I had a time with a close friend -- we always had the attraction and finally gave in."
"Had sex in his car in front of his sister's house on 4th of July."
"Masturbated while driving."
"Fourteen hours of nonstop sex"
"Had sexy sex at his sister's house. Sex is always better there. It's weird."
"Made a baby."
"Answered the door in nothing but high heels."
"She started blowing me in the movie theater, then we fucked in a women's-room bathroom stall while people came in and out. We never did finish Scott Pilgrim vs. the World."
What's the unsexiest thing you and/or a partner did in the last year?
Three out of four Kansas Citians agree: Farting is embarrassing. As for the rest ...
"I tend to be a talker; if I'm drunk, I'll blab about nonsense. That's usually very unsexy."
"Woke up naked in the front yard covered in chigger bites."
"The blumpkin" (Via Urban Dictionary: The delicately balanced art of getting your cock sucked while taking a dump.)
"Watched an old couple do it doggie style."
"Got into bed with matching pajamas and fell asleep immediately."
"Morning sex, not facing each other in case of bad breath, when it's kind of hot, so we're both sticky and we don't really make any noise. Ugh."
"We walked past a lingerie store, and my wife says: 'Oh, I like that hat.' Way to set the mood, honey."
"Elbowed her in the face."
And finally, we asked you to share some of your most embarrassing sexual experiences.
"Hmm, I don't embarrass easily. There was the time I deep-throated a guy on the back of Greyhound bus in Texas. Oh yeah, he didn't speak English."
-- M, 27
"None. I'm fucking amazing."
-- M, 33
"I had sex in a stall of a girls' bathroom at a bar. When others heard us, an audience gathered and started taking pictures over the walls with phones. When we exited the stall, they were all standing around chanting and clapping."
-- M, 27
"Not knowing 'hand job' and 'blow job' were different names for the same thing."
-- F, 24
"Getting caught while screwing in a Toyota Paseo."
-- F, 34
"I once got a condom stuck inside of me, and we were both confused as to where it went. I didn't find it till the next day and told the guy it was stuck to the wall."
-- F, 25
"I once messed around with a guy and informed him where the line was (no sex). He kept asking me why, so finally I had to tell him it was because I had never had sex before. He completely freaked out and wouldn't touch me after that. After he was a 'safe' distance away and fully clothed, he insisted that we drink chocolate milk."
-- F, 26
"My boy toy and I were fooling around, and he was fingering me. It started burning, like FIRE!!! We realized that he had been cutting jalapeños earlier in the night, and it was transferring to my skin. OUCH!!!"
-- F, 34
"One time I put deodorant on my private area to ensure optimal freshness and forgot, and the guy I was dating attempted oral. Let's just say he got a surprise taste."
-- F, 27
"Taking this survey."
-- F, 29
Yes, it was embarrassing for all of us, really. Seems like a good time for a shower.