Thursday, February 10, 2011

Farts, cousins and missing condoms: Kansas City's most embarrassing sexual moments

Posted By on Thu, Feb 10, 2011 at 1:00 PM

click to enlarge This woman wasn't embarrassed. You shouldn't be either.
  • This woman wasn't embarrassed. You shouldn't be either.

In this week's issue of The Pitch, we unveiled the results of our recent Kansas City sex survey, which polled 1,100 readers on their sex lives. (Read the full results here.)

They're a hilarious, if scientifically foggy, window into the sex lives of Kansas Citians -- and none of the questions yielded better responses than the one that asked about your most embarrassing sexual experiences. So while we only included a handful of favorites in yesterday's results, we thought we'd let you see the rest.

This isn't actually every response. A lot were repetitive -- farting, poop, blood, getting caught by parents, etc. So we eliminated those, along with some that were especially derogatory, felonious or obviously fake. What's left is a funny, gross, sometimes sad and seemingly full-frontal look at what makes people blush in bed.

Off you go. Note: It gets a little NSFW, if your IT guy likes to monitor what you read.

The Women

accidentally vagina farting. it always happens with someone I just met.

always when the guy cant get hard-thats embarassing on my part since im the reason he is supossed to be up!

being caught by a cheap hotel maid.

Bleeding unexpectedly

Calling him someone else's name

Caught blowing a guy a Shawnee Mission Park

Coughing a flacid penis out of my vagina.

Discovering I had a yeast infection while having sex.

Drunk, ass slapping one night stand on a hide-a-bed that decided to break

During a one-night stand, the guy I was with had diarrhea and had to keep leaving the bed every few minutes. It was more embarrassing for him. I could hear everything coming from the bathroom.

Farting during the act.

Farting!

first time. anal, unawares, shit explosion. Scarred for anal for life.

Forgetting that I wasn't waxed.

Getting caught having sex in the park by a teenager i used to babysit

Getting caught while screwing in a Toyota Paseo

Getting Charlie Horses in both thighs at the same time.

Getting fucked so hard I bled on his white sheets.

Getting my period in a dude's bed. He wasn't okay with it.

Getting pumped full of air during sex, then queffing

Getting shit on my partner during anal sex

Got caught masturbating by mom.

Got off so hard I had a moment of flatulence.

having an encounter with a cousin...

Having sex with a guy, and he said "can you smell what the Rock is cookin"

Having sex with someone who had no idea what they were doing even though they had "slept with a lot of girls"

Having sex with the best man during a friend's wedding reception (outside, behind the building); he turned out to be a married Muslim and I had to do the walk of shame in front of his parents.

His golden retriever ate my thong. Enough said.

Hooking up with guy that was so wasted that when he started going down on me, had to stop to run and vomit.

I didn't wipe as good as I should have one day when I was ill and my partner found poo on my bottom.

I farted in my partner's face when he went down on me.

I once got a condom stuck inside of me and we were both confused as to where it went. I didn't find it til the next day and told the guy it was stuck to the wall. I also farted the very first time I had sex with an ex.

I once passed out during. Guess that may have been more embarrassing for him!

I puked on my bf while going down on him.

I shit myself. no joke. Had taken a laxative that day and well, shit happens. we both laughed about it

I slept with a guy that I now think might be in Al-Qaeda. Oops.

I was on top of a boy getting undressed and I had my pj's caught around my ankles. I felt like a beached whale on top of him.

I was wearing granny panties and I needed to hide them fast, so I left them underneath a guys bathroom rug...and they were discovered by his dog...and roommates the next morning

Kissing my partner after sex, forgetting that he'd eaten out my asshole

Living with 5 people and not realizing how thin the walls were until we were moving out.

Met a guy in a noisy bar and I thought his name was something completely different from his actual name. Called him the wrong name all night and the next morning. That was my first, last and only one-night stand.

Most likely just the fact of being shitfaced during one night stands and always being too dry where it just ruins the sex and I end up passing out without saying anything.

Most of the one night stands ended up being embarrassing in one way or another ha!

My boy toy & I were fooling around and he was fingering me. It started burning, like FIRE!!! We realized that he had been cutting jalepenos earlier in the night and it was transfering to my skin. OUCH!!!

Not knowing 'hand job' and 'blow job' were different names for the same thing

Not knowing my period came. Sorry for being gross.

Nothing really embarrases me anymore and I think I've blocked out the really bad ones...

Queefing still makes me apologize though.

Once during an encounter with a guy after a party in college... he stuck the tip in and immediately pulled it out. He said, "I've never seen one that small." I was mortified for NOT being a whore...

Once I was giving a blow job and my ex called me (he has his own ringtone) and I started crying with the guy's dick in my mouth.

One night stand, locked my keys in the car and had to have mom pick me up the next day.

One time I put deodorant on my private area to ensure optimal freshness and forgot and the guy I was dating attempted oral..lets just say he got a surprise taste lol

One time, I was at a college shitfaced I might add, and I was on top and flew backwards and hit my head on a table but I got right back up and finished what I started.

Poop

pre-marital

Taking this survey.

This hot guy had just finished eating me out. I was trying to be sexy as I swung my leg around from behind his head, but I ended up queefing in his face. Mortifying.

Those two one night stands were with pretty embarrassing people.

Threw up several times after just a couple drinks, bc of undiagnosed gallbladder issues

tried to tie my partner up to a computer chair.. she tipped over backwards while tied up and landed on her hands.. totally broke the mood

trying to figure out how to have a orgasm.

Two words: pussy fart!

Two words: Sloppy drunk sex.

when my bf & i were having sex & he passed gas in the middle of climax.. totally ruined the moment & rest of the night.

When my boyfriend and I had sex while I was on my period, he looked at his dick after going soft and was like, I hate seeing my penis covered in your blood.

That's it for the women. Next up: Dudes.

The Men

Blood.

My nose bleeds fairly often for no apparent reason. That being said, I once had a bloody nose while tossing some salad.

Genital warts :(

First time. She just kind of slipped it in with no morning. I was quick.

Sneezing in the face of my partner while simultaneously shitting the bed. Greatest. Night. Ever.

A guy wanted to use olive oil for lube; needless to say he was an asshole and I left.

Having sex with an FWB and her baby who was in the same bed as us kept waking up and crawling on top of us.

Getting cum all over the crotch of my jeans and being invited to have dinner with a girlfriend's parents without getting a chance to change.

Sex with the mayor.

Second date with a girl. She sticks her hand in my pants and i cum before any type of sexual favors begin, she didn't notice though.

a bad blowjob that ended up with bruises and my own cum in my eye.

Was having sex with a girl in the dark while wearing a white t-shirt. After we finished I walked out to get a drink and talk to my friends. As iI walk into the kitchen the group starts laughing and asked if I had done the nasty. I denied that I had until I looked down at my shirt that was covered in blood from the fun. She never informed me that it was her time of the month.

Farted as I came. Seriously.

I got drunk over a holiday, had sex in my parents house and the whole family heard me.

Unable to have an orgasam with my girlfriend due to medication

Premature ejac when I was in highschool. Had just whipped it out of my pants, then BAM.

I was banging a girl on the hood of the car in a bar parking lot. When the alarm went off and the whole bar pretty much saw what was going on.

Came fast high on coke.

Cumming before I had my penis all the way in her vagina.

falling asleep while doing the deed. not that great, but that's how crazy I am.

Farting while receiving a blowjob

lost my virginity to this girl. We were both pretty drunk. She didnt remember. It was detrimental for awhile. Now its cool. Kind of.

Too many to single one out

I smudged poop on a blanket because I sweat a lot.

In her hair

At the age of 16, doing it with my girlfriend in the back of my friend's car, while he was driving, with another passenger, and she was giving my friend a "foot-job" during the whole thing, which I found out about later.

Having sex with a first timer, she had to have the lights off and halfway through I realized that the liquid between us did not have the consistency of any kind of natural lubricant, she was bleeding on me. Spent 30 minutes cutting open her mattress and pulling out bloody feathers for her while she felt bad about the whole situation.

hmm, don't embarrass easily. There was teh time I deepthroated a guy on the back of greyhound bus in Texas. Oh yeah, he didn't speak english.

cumming too quick

Brought a girl home from concert.I had her sit on my face and about 2 min into it she puked on me

I had met a girl while studying abroad and before we hooked up, we had discussed some of our sexual past experiences and I had bragged a bit. When we finally hooked up, I was a two pump chump.

Drunken one-night-stand with a friend neither of us has acknowledged.

a typical early blast

I was at a party and was caught having sex on a pile of laundry on the floor of a closet by a small crowd of people.

Walking out of the bathroom with a boner and thing of vaseline going to assfuck a girl and running into her roomate in the hallway.

Any and every time that she's been good to go, but I failed to initiate due to liking her too much or something lame like that.

Farting during a blow job.

i was going to pick up this girl and slam her against the wall but she was lighter than I had expected and i picked her up too high and my cealing fan caught her head twice and knocked her out

boning my boss and I told her to keep her mouth shut, but she told everybody the next day.

She was a nasty little pig.

Coke and/or whiskey dick

farting while some girl licked my ass

A girl started her period about three minutes into me going down on her. So that sucked.

Parked in street and had to hide in leg area of back seat.

losing my virginity which lasted all of 30 seconds.

196lb

Having sex on the washer and she backed up which made me run my you know what into the side of the washer.

while receiving oral, I felt a tickling sensation and jerked my body as instinct and accidently caught my girlfriends hand on the bed and ripped off her pinky fingernail entirely.

Dad finding the case for "On Your Knees 6" on my bed

A girl kept telling me to go 'deeper' when i reached maximum depth I discovered she was snoring.

The first couple of times were pretty damned awkward

Had to fake an orgasm because of a girl with extremely low self confidence. Without a condom, this would have been impossible.

Nothing too crazy, a botched bj that ended up with vomit.

Being 29 and having my first date

Having my pants around my ankles in a booth @ tomfooleries on the plaza

Getting caught in the act in my college newspaper's darkroom

sex is never embarassing.

One night stand. Blow job- finger up my ass when I least expected it.

Being constantly rejected by women.

I asked a girl I was doing if she was a tranny.

I farted right after cumming - I was still in her! I actually thought it was funny but she didn't appreciate it.

being confronted by an uncle who secretly videotaped me&girl in his jacuzzi. we don't talk anymore.

Getting caught by my daughter.

not being able to get it up when someone was trying to give me bday sex, cause same person gave me cocaine.

Not having sex for years.

Making love to the cashier at Arthur Bryants!

Getting caught with a mistress

SOME BITCH STOLE MY CAR

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