Inmates at 12 Missouri prisons have been training dogs that were rescued by animal shelters, the Missourian reports this morning, part of the Department of Corrections' Puppies for Parole program. The program has trained 200 dogs across the state, and more are on the way.
And these aren't small-time criminals teaching your future pup how to sit and stay. The Missourian doesn't mention this, but the two inmates featured in its story -- Derek Holmes and Ricky Kidd -- are both serving life sentences for murder. Which doesn't trouble me, but I imagine it might trouble the most ardent dog lovers among us.
Don't want a dog that was trained by a cold-blooded killer? No problem! You'll know your pet went through the Puppies for Parole program if he ...
10. Has a toothbrush shank duct-taped to his tail.
9. Is constantly barking about how "snitches get stitches."
8. Runs for the door anytime you drop the soap.
7. Is always flipping through the channels looking for shows that were canceled years ago. Especially Wings. WHERE THE HELL IS WINGS?
6. Looks around for his homie "Lil Fetch" every time you try to play the stick game.
5. Thinks that shitty ALPO you serve is amazing.
4. Has had seven different public defenders, all of them crooked, but none as crooked as the prosecutor on his case, who everyone knows is banging the judge. And don't get him started about the judge.
3. Is always humping your leg, but never your wife's.
2. Writes his own legal briefs. By hand.
1. Has read the first 25 pages of every classic novel of the last 100 years, except Moby Dick, because everyone knows Moby Dick is where they hide the shank-shaping blade.
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