Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
Butt Prints in the Sand
Author: Sam Glenn
Date: 1999
Publisher: Yakadoo Publishing, Naperville, IN
Discovered at: Trinity Lutheran Church garage sale, Mission, KS
The Cover Promises: When there was one set of butt prints, Giant Sam Glenn carried you.
Representative Quotes:
"We need to make footprints in the sands of life, and stop making butt prints! WE NEED TO GET UP!"
"We will make mistakes and fail, but BLAMING the government, the weather, or anything else does not get us to Candy Land (our dreams)."
Since even he doesn't seem too big on book reading, and certainly not on coherent book structuring, perhaps the best way to approach professional positivity guy Sam Glenn's opus gluteus maximus is simply to flip through it and marvel.
Consider this chapter heading:
Or this page of inspirational bric-a-brac:
Or this secret garden where words you never knew could go together somehow flourish:
Or Glenn's greatest gift to us ...
... the freedom to nut up our lives.
There's no way around it: Sam Glenn rattled off a book's worth of thoughts about butt prints. In his introduction -- titled "Introduction A Shot in the Butt" -- he describes life as a sandy beach upon which some of us stride, purposefully, leaving footprints, while others of us just plant our butts there and get nowhere.
That idea follows an entirely unrelated anecdote about Glenn as a child receiving a shot from a doctor.
Actual dialogue:
"WHAT!? Oh my goodness! In the butt!??"
Glenn's fullest explanation of his butt-print idea comes a page later, in the chapter "The Poem That Started It All ... Butt Prints in the Sand." There he prints the titular poem, which I presume he didn't write because he calls it "one of the best poems I have ever read" and he seems like kind of a humble guy. I mean, his most stirring personal success story is working up the nerve to do a set at Zanies comedy club.
Anyway, the poem documents the most unexamined of unexamined lives:
I look like a couch potato
The phone never rang, only the microwave letting me know my cheese fries were done
I thought about taking a walk and getting some exercise, but rolling over and taking a nap seemed to be enough
The conclusion:
Now life has passed me by, and when I look back all I see are butt prints in the sand.
Glenn claims to have cried the first time he read it.
It fits that the central metaphor is not unique to Glenn. His short, scattershot chapters, each based on inspirational quotes or stories about getting fired up to seize the day, feel less like the contents of a book than they do the contents of your mom's e-mail inbox.
Glenn's book doesn't feel written; it feels forwarded.
Among its random pleasures:
On page 6, Glenn retells the plot of The Shawshank Redemption.
On page 10 Glenn argues that the meaning of life is Rice Krispie Treats.
On page 12, Glenn shares wisdom he got from Robert Schuller's book If it is Going to be Up to Me, It is Going to Be Up to Me.
On page 15, he spazzes out:
Glenn goads us to dream big and stare down fear for 36 teensy chapters. These are arranged with no apparent pattern. Often, the ratio between words and punctuation marks is something like that between meat and by-products in store-brand cat food.
Much of the book is, in fairness, weirdly delightful, even if the phrase "butt prints" always reminds me of this:
Also, he never explains what's wrong with plopping down for a rest on a beach. I mean, that's why people go to beaches, Sam!
Shocking Detail:
Glenn also wrote the sequel Butt Prints No More, runs something called Go Positive University, which I presume has nothing to do with either HIV or actual universities, and publishes "Quick Readers" books, which he describes as "A.D.D.-friendly books on topics such as Team-building, Perseverance, and Change."
Quick Readers titles include
"Skunks Are Supposed to Stink ... Not Your Life" and the confounding "What to Do When Shift (Change) Happens," the rare pun title that explains itself in a parenthetical aside midway through the pun itself.
Imagine if Entertainment Weekly's cover headline "Charlie Sheen's War" had in it someplace "(Charlie Wilson Was the Name of the Guy in the title of that Tom Hanks Movie)."
Highlight:
Glenn uses the word "butt" with the frequency and enthusiasm of a Christian high school's football coach. Here's more choice chapter titles:
And, hey, all great artists find daring variations on their themes:
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Yeah, didn't the DaVinci Code sell a jillion copies? It's still a massive, steaming coil.
Are youz retarded? Even if he didn't obviously abuse the word 'butt' just for the pleasure of having a reason to say it in public, this is absolute CRAP.
Popular crap is STILL CRAP. There are dozens of copies sold from self-help books - yet, they're STILL CRAP. And even if I obviously abuse the word 'crap' just for the pleasure of having a reason to say it in public, there is no way anyone actually believes it. I somehow always picture a traumatized teen who doesn't dare to sit on beaches ever again because some jerk told them it's a bad idea.
Glenn may be a wonderful person, and, as you'll notice, the crap archivist never attacks the man's character, and it's good to hear that he has helped many people, but that does not suddenly make his work exempt from criticism.
I left a butt print in the sand. And then I held a stranger's hand. The stranger said he loved me so. Flattered, I followed him in the snow. I left a butt print in the snow. My balls got cold, my ass nearly froze. But that frosty butt print gave me hope. I threw out the booze, tossed out the dope. I was clean and sober and looked ahead. Then my butt fell on an electric cable. And I was dead.
If that really is the author then congrats for still being positive after 13 years.
What I don't understand about Self-Help Think-Positive philosophy is that it always seems to be very materialistic. Sure I can be a success in this life, gain money and renown but that does me little good as sooner or later, and probably sooner if I have been busting my ass trying to be successful, I am going to die, losing everything. More than that, everything I accomplished in this life will have little or no meaning in a few centuries. You can't honestly ignore death but somehow you do.
It brings to mind king the speech of King Claudius in the play "Hamlet" in which he tries to tell Hamlet to cheer up, think-positive and let the death of his father go.
"For what we know must be and is as common
As any the most vulgar thing to sense,
Why should we in our peevish opposition
Take it to heart? Fie! 'tis a fault to heaven,
A fault against the dead, a fault to nature,
To reason most absurd: whose common theme
Is death of fathers, and who still hath cried,
From the first corse till he that died to-day,
'This must be so.' We pray you, throw to earth
This unprevailing woe, and think of us
As of a father..."
Hamlet is the great anti positive-thinker. He says:
"O God! God!
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable,
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
Fie on't! ah fie! 'tis an unweeded garden,
That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature
Possess it merely."
Hahaha! Who could have imagined that you could have brought this positive thinking brigade out of the woodwork? This is the problem with self-help junkies, they couldn't understand (or appreciate) irony or humor if they were slapped in the face by its facetious phallus.
Love this article, loved the guy's website. Tickled myself (mentally) by imagining Sam's workshop with "WALMART" employees.
Love the found texts and your explication.
Up until about 5 minutes ago I would never have believed that self-help trolls are more annoying online than they are in real life… I hope this rises near the top of the Google results!
"Anyone" who's ever been forced to sit through an attitude changing seminar, should obviously have paid more attention...
Just sayin'...
This is actually an impressive review - for real. I wrote this book 13 years ago when I was 25 years old and sold well over 200K copies in under 2 years (self published by a non expert writer). I used a title and concept that would get people's attention - even at a church garage sale (LOL!) so that anyone who read it would talk about, write about and remember it. I donated quite a bit from the proceeds to the Make a Wish Foundation and was able to hire an editor as this first edition has so many grammar errors. I am impressed that someone actually took the time to read the whole book. I guess my response to this review is "You don't have to be great to start, but you do have to start somewhere to become great." My only objective with that book was to encourage people with what I had at the time. I remember a young woman approached me 10 years after that book came out. She had scars on her wrists from trying to end her life at the age of 16 - and told me she planned on trying again, but a friend gave her a book with a crazy title on it -Butt Prints in the Sand - and when she read the book, she found the encouragement she needed to stop trying to hurt herself. If anything, that makes writing it worth it. While some disagree with the review - we are all entitled to our opinions. Personally, I just like that someone read it. The actual review is entertaining as are the responses. Good PR too!
I fear that by even commenting here I am supporting your blog which, in all fairness is probably entertaining to a couple people out there. I for one had never heard of you and now that I read this and what I could find of you on Google, I shall go on not caring to know anymore than I did before. However, I feel strongly that I should comment on Mr. Glenn and his effect on this world and my life. This might get personal.
I honestly felt the same way you did, Mr. Scherstuhl, when I first saw this and other books Mr. Glenn was selling en masse. There were grammatical errors,formatting faux pas and even quotes that had no references. To top it all off, these books were being sold to children! Oh my! Well, guess what? It was a successful journey for Mr. Glenn, who, by the way has written over 30 books that I am aware of, started his own magazine and yes, has now been published by a real publisher who got Mr. Glenn into Barnes and Noble as well as Borders, etc. His earlier books were, as it turns out, perfectly fitted to his speeches which earned him a great following of teenagers, teachers and educational executives around the country! What? No really! He then went on to become very respected in the business world. Those weird little books were perfect for this generation who are just hammered with intelligent sounding crap like yours all day. (Did I say that out loud?) Anywho, the little bad books kept selling and motivating 100's of thousands every year! The books became better as the author grew in his knowlege. He is self taught and I have to say, he has sold well over a million books by now. I should know: I was selling them for him at half his events. That's right Mr. Scherstuhl, I was personally a witness to the effectiveness of Mr. Glenn. These less than exhaustive books actually WORKED. They even began to work on a cynical unbeliever like me. I saw the speeches, I read the books and I knew the man.
I probably would have read your crap back in the day (although I doubt from what I've seen you could hold my attention long enough to make your silly useless points. Seriously, step it up pal. You call this edgy or something? You're mediocre at best.), maybe I would have even "friended" you on Facebook, but your crap is just entertainment. You're not helping anyone. I've now taken some time away from my comment to look at your web presence and didn't really find anything too impressive. You write articles and your cat is pretty famous.
I no longer work for Mr. Glenn, but he has my utmost esteem. Sam did exactly what he wrote about. He was broke, depressed and living out of his car when I first met him. THAT's crap my friend. When was the last time you had to sleep in the rain???? I saw Sam do it. No one knows how much this man went through on the way to being one of America's Top Speakers (with awards to prove it) like I do. I take your article to be an insult to anyone who tries to better themselves or others. Sam tried and failed...sometimes horribly, but he didn't give up. He has awards for his speaking, his videos, and more, but I know him and that doesn't mean much to him. What is most important to him is that he kept going no matter what. He didn't let his shortcoming stop him. If anything this book is a testimony to the principles in it.
You have some awards grant it, I'm sure your mother's proud, too. But don't shred on somebody else without knowing the full story. It's called integrity in writting, sir. Use it.
*If you'd like to rip on me please feel free to waste your skill on it. I was once suicidal and a HUGE failure too. I don't measure up to your awesome standards and I don't care.
Dear Alan,
Don't be intimidated by the positivity mafia. This is an excellent column. Anyone who's ever been forced to sit through an attitude-changing seminar will thank you.
Love, Terence
Alan! thank you! in so many ways. I have a friend who is going to want an autographed copy. :) keep on writing!
Glenn's book is certainly positive, and I'm glad it means something to these commenters. But no amount of good intentions can make all those bizarre butt chapters un-hilarious. I mean, they just keep coming, one after the other, each crazier than the last, like the clowns emerging from some tiny car, only instead of clowns they're the words "Butt Prints WOW Thoughts," which are a thousand time funnier than the funniest clown ever.
Yay, butt prints! And congratulations on this show of support, Sam Glenn!
I am a little disturbed by all this... Every one has its own to approach positivity... I don't think you have to be a Pullitzer to get your message accross...
Truth is, Sam has been reaching a lot of people who might not have been enclined to read highly involved, and complicated books, and brought them to take a good look at their attitude... In the past year, I have seen the impact of Sam Glenn's lessons amongst the people around me, as I shared some of his books with coworkers at their end's wits, with friends who were stuck in a negativity vicious circle... You may not personally like his style, but who has appointed you as the "authority" on the subject?
The way I see it, all that energy you spent bashing a well renown author and speaker would most likely have been better used somewhere else... Maybe you should look behind you, and see what kind of trail you are leaving... From my angle, it's not looking very pretty.
I share a LOT of Sam Glenn's messages with my friends and co-workers. Sam is great - he's a positive influence in my life! Maybe you should stop bashing Sam and start thinking positive!
Did you know that you don't need permission to excerpt short passages of text from a book for purposes of commentary or review?
Sam wrote about Butts but at least he wasn't an ass :)
Why do you suppose Sam has spoken to millions of people and you write smack because of your ignorance?
Good luck with the promotion
Sam wrote about Butts but at least he wasn't an ass :)
Why do you suppose Sam has spoken to millions of people and you write smack because of your ignorance?
Good luck with the promotion
Sam talks about butt prints but at least he's not an ass :)
Stop being a lemming and do something for yourself.
If you check out anything on Youtube from Sam Glenn, ot go to samglenn.com you'd have a better idea of who he is, what he does, and why he has spoken to millions and makes big bucks doing it, while you waste people's time hiding behind a computer screen talking smack about nothing.
Good luck with that promotion!
Did you have permission to use actual copies of Sam's Book to post in your blog?
So, this report proves that Alan Scherstuhl knows how to read, but doesn't know how to interpret. Dr. William Glasser says we interpret information based on our mental state. So, based on what Alan Scherstuhl wrote, is his mental state negative or positive? Most people who blog like this do so with an worthless opinion that doesn't change lives. The book butt prints in the sand sold 100,000 copies to teenagers who don't like to read, but lined up for hours to get a book that would give their life a little hope and encouragement. The difference between Sam Glenn who encourages people to be positive and Alan Scherstuhl who gets people to think "crap" speaks for it's self. Who is making a bigger and positive difference? There is a HUGE difference between the butt and crap.
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