It's Alcohol Awareness Month! So, Missouri Attorney General Chris Koster decided to take advantage of that with a public service announcement about underage drinking. I have some thoughts on this, but I'd rather you watch it first so you can see what I'm talking about. If you're a drinker, meet me after the jump.
What the fuck! Right? I mean ... the fuck?!
Admittedly, I started drinking before I was 21. That gives me some insight into the early, hazy years of alcohol abuse and the teenagers Koster is trying to reach. I'm not sure this ad is going to do the trick. Unless I'm the one out of touch already, and all the cool kids are waiting for the parents to be out of town so they can get together and watch JibJab.
Shit. Is it possible that I'm that removed from my high school experience already? Is Chris Koster so in tune? Man, now I'm depressed. I bet he's in the back of an alley with some at-risk youths right now, and they're all playing Jacks, or Pogs, or something else that I don't get to anymore because I'm an old nerd. And this kid who's sort-of dangerous but still attractive - and who could be a football star except he'd rather ride his motorcycle and read Robert Frost - is telling his friends: "Yeah, normally, as a hip teen like you, I'd be like, 'Whatever, square! You don't understand me, old man! I'll drink what I want!' But the animation lets me know that he's a pretty cool guy, and he really gets me and my teenage problems."
No, no, no. That doesn't make any sense. No one plays with Pogs anymore. Unless ... dear Lord! Is it possible Chris Koster is actually in favor of underage drinking? Surely, he must know that at least 35 percent of the appeal of underage drinking is its illicit, forbidden nature. So to be told by a middle-aged white man in a position of authority via out-of-date cartoon form that you shouldn't drink ... well, that just makes underage drinking that much cooler! It's like trying to keep ants away from a picnic by throwing sugar at them! Koster must know this! So the only purpose this video could really have is to turn Missouri's children into a gang of drooling dullards, half-empty bottles of Thunderbird shaking in their fists as the delirium tremens overtake them. Husks whose minds have been destroyed by the demon hooch before they were old enough to know how to handle their booze, thereby having more unprotected sex and increasing teen pregnancy rates, which in turn results in perennial generations easily manipulated by Chris Koster lest he banish them hence into the cornfields where only near-beer can be had. (Also known as Kansas.)
We're through the looking glass, people.
Ok, I'm done. Where's my fucking Pulitzer?
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I feel like I just saw the Terrence and Phillip version of Chris Koster advise me to eat my veggies. I cannot possibly take that seriously. Seriously, Terrence who farted?!?!? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...
Ha! I will hit the like button on your comment Caroline. And then I will 'like' my own. And now I hope we are friends.
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