Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser leaves office this week, a political disaster shambling into the angry streets at dawn. Whatever you might think of the man as a person, it's clear that being mayor just wasn't his forte. There has to be something he'd be good at, right? Right? Well, just in case he hasn't found it yet, we've got a few suggestions.
like an artist's rendering of Gloria herself in this box. returns to us: Funkhouser the White.
1. Marriage counselor
Sadly, Funkhouser is probably going to be remembered more for his wife, Gloria Squitiro, than for any of his policies. I'm sure every mayor in the country would love to have The New York Times or Today Show request interviews with them like they did with Funkhouser. But, you know, they might like it if those newspapers and TV shows were interested in them for their governance, and not because their refusal to work without their wives at City Hall resulted in lawsuits against the city and crippled their ability to lead. Through all of it, no matter how crazy it got, no matter how many times his wife beat him (according to her diary), Funkhouser stuck it out. He probably won't be able to teach you to solve your problems, necessarily. Or be happy. Or achieve any of your goals in life. But he will teach you to stay with her and maybe direct you to a good doctor when the tumor develops. It's
2. WizardHe
It's been long rumored that the Funkhousers dabbled in new-age mysticism to decide their lives, which sounds plausible when you look at the last four years. For a while, the image of a Funkhouser in Lord of the Rings garb was about as close as we could get to a local meme. Why not run with it?
If Funkhouser wanted to stalk the streets of Kansas City in his bathrobe, brandishing a plastic wand that he bought for $75 from SkyMall, he'd accomplish about as much as he did in office, and it'd be far more entertaining. As an added bonus, we could call him a "wizard" instead of the more depressing, realistic term: "homeless."
3. Frankenberry life model
Inspired by Funkhouser's suffering soul made flesh, Frankenberry could finally attain artistic parity with the Mona Lisa, Van Gogh's self-portraits, and even Michelangelo's David.
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Yes, I should only make jokes about the politicians in this city after I've tried to put myself in their position, that makes total sense. Therefore, I am now officially announcing my candidacy for election in 2015. My platform will be to be elected mayor so I can immediately resign and begin making informed, mature, jokes about working as an inflatable flailing-arm tube man in a used car lot. I promise I'll turn the reigns over to a real leader. You can contribute to my fund now by sending a check C/O the Pitch, 1701 Main St. Kansas City, MO. Remember, it's easy to criticize, but if you don't want to put yourself in the position of sending me money you have to start writing Frankenberry jokes.
But he lacked pizazz.
He was a decent mayor but horrid at political aspect of the job. Just Horrid. The key to being a good civic leader is influence and/or compromise. Funk had neither.
It's easy to criticize someone when you haven't been in their position or even attempted to put yourself there. An honest man sacrificed his career, privacy, and reputation to try and repair this city. Funk wasn't effective in many aspects but he did undo a lot of the corruption Cleaver created.
Is that first shot Photoshopped or did someone spot Funk in some European hamlet?
He should wait four years and run as an in-district candidate in the 4th District.
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