Dear Pitch readers:
Due to The Pitch's recent change in ownership, certain regular columns, such as Ask a Mexican (an intelligent discussion of race relations and America's complex immigration policy issues), no longer appear on our site. (Ask a Mexican is the property of Village Voice Media.)
But we're still working to give you the thoughtful, well-informed perspectives you've come to expect about these sensitive issues. Here's the debut of a new columnist.
Hey, gang!
My name's Tad Gable, and I sure hope you like my column. Let's face it, as an affluent straight Protestant white male, aged 18-50, I have opinions that mean a lot to Kansas City's future. Let's dive in!
Dear AWM:
Two years ago, my oldest son was killed in a rolling gun battle on Prospect. Now his baby brother wants to join a gang, and I don't know how to reach him. He says there's no reason for him to go to school when he can make money now dealing crack on the street. I don't have much, and I see him making the same mistakes I did as a child. I am terrified of losing the son I have left, and I have done everything I can to try and help him see that this endless cycle of senseless violence is destroying our family and community. What can I do?
Sincerely,
A Worried Parent
Dear AWP:
Jeez, this one's simple. Move! Cheese and rice, just get the heck out of the East Side! With housing prices at an all-time low, there's just no excuse not to have your family in a safe environment. You wouldn't even have to cash out your 401(k)! I live in Johnson County, and we never have these problems. The people around you sound like animals! While you wait to get the new house, maybe you can get your boy involved in some healthy activities. I won't deny that I could be a little bit of a rebel myself as a young man, making crank calls to Mrs. Masterson down the block (wish I could've seen the look on her face when I told her she'd better go catch that refrigerator!) or blasting Chicago's most rocking album, Chicago, as late as 11:45 at night. Then my dad got me on the links at the Painted Hills Golf Course. From then on, whenever I got the urge for tomfoolery, you'd find me on the back nine.
Dear AWM:
I was the first person in my family to go to college. My mother was so proud of me, she cried when I finally earned my bachelor's degree. But with the job market the way it is, it's been impossible for me to find work. I had a scholarship, but it only went so far, and the student-loan debt is catching up to me. It's been months, and I still haven't been able to find good work. I'm terrified my career will be stalled forever as I fight with laid-off workers with more experience for salaries that aren't even very good. I'd be happy just to have health care. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Unemployed Grad
Dear UG:
Old Tad knows stress, that's for sure. I remember when that tsunami hit Japan. The iPad II I ordered was delayed for weeks because of it. I'm not even going to start on how that affected the vacation I'd already booked. Ugh. The important thing is that you don't let it get to you. Find a place you can relax and think things through. Personally, I like a place where I can get a nice gin and tonic, or even an espresso, and sit on the patio, sort of figuring out the world and pampering myself for once.
The key word is pamper -- if I were you, I wouldn't go anywhere that didn't at least have Sugar in the Raw. Also, you can't undervalue the importance of networking. Get yourself a membership at a great place like the Woodside Health and Tennis Club, west of the Plaza. Not only will getting in shape help relax that stress; you'll meet some great people over there, too. Maybe someone will need a young go-getter like you. Just don't ask during the noon massage. That's Tad's time, if you know what I mean. ;)
Dear AWM:
I came to this country after meeting a recruiter in Mexico. He gave me a job working at a local hotel in the maid service, which got me a work visa and legal entry into the United States, a country I have come to love. My family was so proud. I sent some of my paycheck back to them every week -- my father works hard, but they still have very little -- and for a time, it looked like as long as I saved my money and worked hard, I might even be able to go to school and make something of myself. Then the economy crashed. When the hotel laid me off, I lost my visa. Even though I came to this country legally, and was actually recruited to come here, the government now considers me an illegal. I have no money for an attorney. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Frightened Immigrant
Dear FI:
You are breaking the law. I have notified INS of your IP address, and agents are on their way.
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Congratulations the Pitch on legitimizing white-male claims of stereotyping! I'm glad you're dedicated to rationalism and her sister equality--I can't wait for "ask an inner-city African-American"--whose answers will, of course, revolve around spinning rims and flashing wads of Benjamins. Yay nondiscrimination!
Okay - this is hilarious. Well done!
I want to volunteer for the African American column as a counterpoint. We could have a blast with that one (although I'd be skewered by my community for doing it.)
People, this is a joke!!! Jeez!!! I thought it was pretty funny. I can't believe anyone would think this was serious. There's a lot of "big dummies" out there.
This was hilarious! Looks like some of Tad's peers are getting upset about it though, which makes it that much funnier.
Dear AWM: you are a F@@@ing "patán"!, (How do you say THAT in english?) Hope you die pretty soon,
Love,
Richie. XOXOXOXO
Tad's not totally straight. He gave me crabs at the Club Baths on Oak Street in 1984. I recognized that photo immediately. He's a bottom too, by the way.
Is Tad going to cover for Savage Love too? If so, might I suggest calling it: "A Tad Inside You."
This is pretty good, if a little too obvious. Keep up the good work, Peter. I'm sure it'll only get better with age (like one of Tad Gable's fine, aged wines he keeps in the wine cellar).
@Peter - as far as plog satire goes, this was pretty good. I had wondered what would happen to "Ask A Mexican" and "Savage Love" with the transition from VVM. If you can polish this a little, and continue to produce, I would applaud a weekly satire piece by "Tad Gable". What say you?
BTW - that clip art of Tad is spot on.
This is freakin hillarious** Being a lover of the KCMO I have to say that the streets are not that mean. I am from Baltimore and found KC's city a bit of a joke but never the less poverty is poverty. I love how that duck just said MOVE, pick your stuff up and go. HA HA I wish it was that easy. I am sure that this is all a joke but never the less I am looking forward to reading more...
I was entertained. I'd say that's win regardless of whether it is a joke or not.
You don't know how because you are as stupid as the rest of us that went to school here.
Seriously, you thought that was a guilt trip? I thought it was about how unknowledgeable some are about the realities of trying to get out of poverty.
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