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Monday, May 9, 2011

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Who can't bugger in Kansas? Ten of history's greatest sodomites

Posted by Peter Rugg on Mon, May 9, 2011 at 7:00 AM

click to enlarge Great American writer -- and sodomite!
  • Great American writer -- and sodomite!

Kansas lawmakers made the Sunflower State a national laughingstock yet again in March when legislators balked at repealing the sodomy statute. Even though the law is unconstitutional and a petty, mean-spirited slap in the face to every homosexual Kansan paying state taxes, lawmakers refuse to take it off the books, saying it's not actually being enforced.

True, the cops might not bust down bedroom doors, but just keeping the statute sends a message, and any politician who tells you otherwise is lying or naive. So let's at least have some consistency. You don't want sodomites in your state? Fine. Then you don't get to enjoy any of the ways they've enriched our lives. Here's just a tiny sampling of some of the greatest minds in history who also happened to like a little ass-fucking now and again. (Yes, I know, sodomy can mean more than anal, but if I added every act that sodomy could include, I'd use up the entire Internet.)



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1. Alexander the Great
Born in 356 B.C., this Macedonian king conquered and annexed the Persian empire, bringing what was essentially the entire civilized world under his rule. Even today, military leaders compare themselves with this undefeated warrior and genius strategist. "Our enemies are the Medes and Persians, men who for centuries have lived soft and luxurious lives," said the decidedly strong-wristed Alexander. "We of Macedon for generations past have been

trained in the hard school of danger and war." You know what else he liked to conquer? That ass.

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2. Oscar Wilde 
Wilde was one of the Victorian era's greatest writers and personalities, mastering the written word in all its forms, from novel to poem to play to essay. Even today, the influence of Wilde's clever, lusty scoundrels and social misunderstandings can be seen as being as high-minded as the opera and as low as one of the better-written episodes of Two and a Half Men. The bulk of Kansans might not mind losing the opera, but I'll bet there are more than a few who'd be mad if they couldn't watch Charlie Sheen crack jokes about prostitutes. Wilde would likely have something witty and humane to say about the Kansas statute, considering that he was forced to serve two years of hard labor for violating familiar-sounding gross-indecency laws in 1895. Looking back, those laws seem stupid for even 1895, and fearfully primitive for America in 2011.

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3. Socrates
He is the father of western philosophy. He was also a Greek living around 469 B.C. to 399 B.C., and, uh, I think we all know what that means. Ask a former inmate about the old "Greek Uppercut" sometime.

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4. Rock Hudson
A generation of young men, many in Kansas, learned to ape masculinity by copying the work of this handsome, 6-foot-5-inch actor who was considered so manly that he was cast as the hero in an Ernest Hemingway adaptation. Ah, but little did they know he was, in the words of Ronnie James Dio, just a rainbow in the dark. For all the great moments in dickswingery that he portrayed onscreen, maybe the ballsiest move of his real life was going public in 1985 with the fact that he was dying of AIDS. Likely it would've been easier to finish his time without the media circus and questions over his sexuality. By being honest in the early days of the epidemic, Hudson helped destigmatize what was still a taboo subject for honest discussion. As playwright William M. Hoffman said of the disclosure, "If Rock

Hudson can have it, nice people can have it. It's just a disease, not a

moral affliction."

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5. Mark Twain
When Mark Twain wrote The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, he arguably wrote one of the finest novels that an American will ever produce. But because you don't want sodomites around, it'll be a shame when Kansas students are no longer allowed to read it or the rest of Twain's hilarious, thoughtful works. Here's a sample of what they'll be missing, from a speech about the wonders of masturbation: "To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and impotent it is a benefactor; they that be penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion. There are times when I prefer it to sodomy." Times.

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6. Rob Halford
Some of you reading this might now be scoffing, "Philosophers, writers, sensitive actors? Hell, I don't lose nothin' if you get rid of them queermosexuals. I'm a man's man!" Bullshit! If we get rid of sodomy, we get rid of the most aggressive, angry, ass-kicking music: heavy metal. Know your history and respect your Judas Priest. Especially respect frontman Rob Halford. Take away the sodomy-fueled howl of this metal god, and you kick away one of the pillars of all heavy music from 1970 to today. Even Slayer has covered their work. If you want to argue with Slayer, that's your business, but don't come crying to me later when the skin on your face spontaneously combusts.

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7. Dan Savage
Dan Savage is probably going to be judged by history as one of the most important ethicists of the 21st century. His advice column, on relationships and cultivating a fulfilling sex life, is widely read journalism in this country, and it consistently discusses the responsibilities that we have to our own happiness and to the happiness of others. Kids who grow up learning to be GGG (Savage's classic characterization of a desirable sex partner, one who is "good, giving and game") have a better chance of being joyful, open-minded adults. That's good for society as a whole, no matter what you want to do with your genitals. Also, he turned anti-sodomy Republican Rick Santorum's name into a term for the "frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex," and that just cannot be celebrated enough.

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8. Truman Capote
Does Kansas realize that every time anyone in the rest of the world thinks about the state, it's in conjunction with something homosexual? Is that what this is all about? Just overcompensating? Either it's The Wizard of Oz, with its rainbow songs and friends of Dorothy, or it's Truman Capote. With the release of Capote's nonfiction book In Cold Blood, the Sunflower State was, for one brief moment, at the center of the world's literary discussion at a time when that conversation mattered. Despite his love of hot, hot sodomy, Capote formed such a bond with the residents of Holcomb, Kansas, that he even invited some to his legendary Black and White Ball.

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9. William S. Burroughs
This beat writer is responsible for one of my favorite sentences ever in the history of the English language: "I see God in my asshole in the flashbulb of orgasm." Top that! Burroughs spent the last 16 years of his life in Lawrence. He moved there because, in his words, "It's not nearly as violent, and

it's a helluva lot cheaper. And I can get out in the country and fish

and shoot and whatnot." Having one of the giants of post-war American literature in town also attracted writers and artists from all over the country, building KU's reputation as a great liberal-arts school. Aside from his books, the art he created there is still being shown in galleries around the country, making one of the state's most successful cultural exports the work of a man who wrote prose poems to butthole pleasures.

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10. Mia Kirshner 

To those of you still carrying around the misconception that only men want to engage in ass play every now and again, let me now deploy the power of statistics! In surveys done as recently as 2010, 40 percent of women aged 20 to 24 said they'd tried anal. What's more, 20 percent of women aged 20 to 39 had had anal sex in the past year. But the best stat in all of this is that of women who had anal in their last encounter -- are you ready for this? -- 94 percent said they had reached orgasm -- a higher rate than that reported for vaginal or oral sex. Too bad you're leaving your women unfulfilled, Kansans. Mia Kirshner is one of these women, and she's just spectacular. Says the wise star of The Vampire Diaries, "It's fine to have anal sex as long as you're not in high school." 
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Comments (9)

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Well written article with lots of enlightening references!

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Posted by Jeronimo on 05/16/2011 at 3:21 AM

That's not a bad idea to look into it, thanks for the reminder man. I hadn't heard his chemist posted bond, but I know they and several other businesses have filed suit over the busts.

Also, this may seem like a small thing, but I love that you and me started this commenting back and forth with a couple minor disagreements and yet are being respectful and cool with one another on this thread. On the internet that's like.. actually I don't know if there's a rare enough phenomenon to compare, especially in KC's anonymous commenting community. Hope you keep weighing in.

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Posted by Peter Rugg on 05/10/2011 at 12:31 PM

Did your mom not bake?

I'm sorry man.

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Posted by Peter Rugg on 05/10/2011 at 10:05 AM

You are all sick little boys fighting over who gets to lick the chocholate off the stick once the fudge is done.

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Posted by InTheButt on 05/10/2011 at 12:02 AM

I just added, "Go screw a 13 year old in the ass and then walk down the middle of the street!" to the 'About Me' section of my Facebook profile. Thanks Jim!

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Posted by Peter Rugg on 05/09/2011 at 2:59 PM

I just listened to it on youtube.I hope there's a Beavis and Butthead mash-up.I guess I should listen to music before judging it.And your'e right,I shouldn't use the word faggot.On a different topic-you need to write more about Micah Riggs.I find his case very interesting.It seems as though they are charging him with everything including owning a tobacco shop.I assume they want to say that he's selling drug paraphenalia so that they can move to outlaw waterpipes and close down all the glass shops in the city.Are you planning another article?I know his chemist recently posted bond.More info please!

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Posted by LarryDavid on 05/09/2011 at 10:02 AM

The reason they keep this on the books is so that gay men can't ass-fu*& 13 y/o boys and girls, EVEN IF they consent, or whatever the age of consent is. I am pretty sure you can marry at 13 y/o, but you have to have a judge. It's like jay-walking for black people in downtown KC. Illegal, yeah. But does anybody pay attention, No. So, go screw a 13 y/o in the ass and then walk down the middle of the street. Not a cop to be seen.

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Posted by Jack on 05/09/2011 at 9:45 AM

Come on now you. You don't get to praise Elton John and Freddie Mercury then call someone a faggot. And while I do enjoy both Elton John and Freddie Mercury, I think there's an argument that Judas Priest has been more influential. Not that Elton and Mercury haven't been influential - but Judas Priest was building an entire genre.

Also, "Breaking the Law" owns you.

I am happy we can find common ground on thinking Mia Kirshner is earth-scorchingly hot though. We just need to build from there.

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Posted by Peter Rugg on 05/09/2011 at 9:19 AM

Mia Kirshner is hot as balls.How could you skip over Elton John and Freddie Mercury for some faggot from a shitty metal band?Truman Capote and that junkie suck.Pretty much every writer is gay.

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Posted by LarryDavid on 05/09/2011 at 9:13 AM
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