You know that friend who has a couple of drinks and acts like he's all wild and out of control when really he's not that much of a boozer? He just likes to have an excuse to cut loose and be a dick? Well, as it turns out, that friend is Missouri. And the rest of America is looking at us all, like "whatever, dude, if that's what it takes for you to feel good about yourself." And they just hope we can all get to Taco Bell before the drive-through closes without us picking a fight with Illinois, because they just think they're such a big fucking deal because that's where Chicago is and they're not better than us goddammit. WE HAVE AN NFL TEAM! FUCK YOU! RIBSANDJAZZ! AOBFODLASJLNFKDLSNAL!
How do I support this insanely accurate caricature of our state as an insecure lightweight, you ask? With facts from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, which is gently putting an arm around us and trying to chill things out. "Come on, Missouri," it whispers in our ear. "Nobody is judging. Just cool out."
According to the department's just released annual state-by-state estimates of drug use and mental disorders, Missouri is actually pretty tame. In areas of hard drug use and boozing, Missouri never ranks above average. In fact, we ranked among the 10 lowest states in illicit drug use in the past month among kids 12 to 17; non-marijuana drug
use in the past month among kids 12 to 17; non-medical pain-medication
use in the past year among people 26 and older; alcohol dependence in the past year among people 12 and older; and illicit-drug dependence in the past
year among people 12 and older. Boozing rates actually went down in measuring past-month use in the 12-20 age group.
The only drug where we exhibited a significantly above-average rating in all subcategories of use was tobacco. Add that to recent polls on obesity and GQ's fashion ranking, and we're just a bunch of wheezing, clear-eyed fatties in ill-fitting clothing. And everyone has AIDS.
Goodnight, folks!
Hat Tip to the Riverfront Times.
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