Thursday, July 28, 2011

Some guy in Boston says the Royals are like an underperforming Applebee's

Posted By on Thu, Jul 28, 2011 at 12:00 PM



Hey, look at this! A Boston Red Sox fan (and alleged comedian) named Nick Stevens, who has a sports-crazed alter ego named Paul "Fitzy" Fitzgerald, came up with a novel idea for a sports commentary. He recorded himself shining new light on an underexamined fact of baseball: The Royals aren't a very good team, and they haven't been for some time now. Get this man on ESPN.

"What's up with the Royals?" Stevens/Fitzy ponders. Adding, "Like, the Royals haven't made the playoffs in 26 yeeahhs. And judging by the standings, it's going to be at least 27, if you know what I mean." Why, no, Fitzy, what do you mean? Could you be referring to the Royals being 12 games out of first place in the AL Central? Please, explain further.

He then gives the props for being "loaded with young talent" including Eric Hosmer and "Moose tacos over at third." But then he says the team is no better than unhygienic, jalapeno-popper-pushing waiters.

Stevens'/Fitzy's shared brain wonders: "Has baseball ever

considered shutting them down?" He explains his thinking: "You know like

if there were like a chain restaurant, like Applebee's or Fridays, and

like they were doing really good, but there's just like this one

restaurant, this one particular location that's usually just really bad

-- like Applebee's, we're killing it, but we got this one joint in

Kansas City that's just terrible. All the waiters, they never shave,

they're kinda dirty, I'm not sure they showered, the food's always gross

-- that would get shut down! But the Royals continue to play baseball,

and they're almost up to three decades with no playoffs. Ohn-real."

Of course, the irony of Fitzy's little rant is that

the Royals' postseason drought isn't even the longest in baseball. The

Washington Nationals/Montreal Expos franchise hasn't had a taste of the

playoffs since 1981. But, hey, what the hell? Take a dump all over Kansas City sports, America. We're pretty used to it by now.


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