Buzzard Beach
What’s the most revolting aspect of the upstairs men’s room at this classic Westport dive? Is it the slosh of water and piss that accumulates on the floor over the course of the evening? Having to hold your breath while you urinate? What about having to doggy-style dry-hump the man at the urinal in order to move from the stall to the door?
Johnnie’s
This KCK joint boasts an easygoing staff, cheap drinks, vintage décor, and restrooms like a Bosnian prison. You try standing at that double trough (top picture) with your waist touching another man’s waist and see if anything flows out of your body.
Now here is a scene. This Shawnee bar (which offers karaoke every night of the week) is not so much a party venue as it is a magnet for lost souls and dashed dreams. The bartenders eye strangers with suspicion, and the DJ/MC announces the next singer in line with the hollowest enthusiasm. Yes, the burden is on you and your group to bring the fun. You may also consider bringing sanitary items, such as a Health Gards toilet-seat cover, or maybe a diphtheria vaccine, because the restrooms are atrocious. Last time we stopped in, we discovered the following: the women’s toilet seat pictured here; a sink spotted with yellow stains that we pray to Jeebus were not urine; stripped, filthy, garagelike flooring; and the sentence “Please stop throwing toothpicks in the toilet … the crabs have learned to pole vault!” etched in Sharpie on the wall.
Harlings is such an outstanding bar — hands-down one of our favorites in the city — that we’re willing to overlook that walking into the men’s room there is like being gassed with a 100 years’ worth of piss particles. The source of the vinegary stench appears to be the floor-length urinal. Is there a correlation between such urinals and horrible odors? Because you can catch a whiff of that same stank standing in front of Manifesto’s to-the-floor urinals, and that’s the type of classy joint (we love it) where the clientele is less enamored of old pee smells. There’s a sign above those Manifesto urinals that reads, “Al Capone Pissed Here.” Is his piss still there? Is that why it smells like somebody dissected a frog in there?
A cautionary tale. Having lost both its most popular bartender (John Yuelkenbeck) and the finest jukebox in the city (which Yuelkenbeck curated) in 2011, the ’Coach is staring down a future in which its gross washcloth machine (you tug on the dirty part of the towel to get to the clean part of the towel, see?) isn’t sufficiently counterbalanced by a cool atmosphere. Midtowners tolerate nasty latrines when there’s a Replacements or Sonic Youth song playing. It’s a different story when the Internet jukebox is on Nickelback autopilot all night.
Chez Charlie
The walls are decorated with torn-out Playboy centerfolds, and it’s possible to accidentally touch another man’s penis while at the sink. If you do the right thing and wash your filthy hands.
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I am suprised no one has mentioned the downstairs bathroom at the Union - formerly Blaney's. Dirty and cramped. Luckily they put a decnet bathroom upstairs. Great bar over all.
i have never witnessed a person use one of those blue towels, but they're still dirty.
Think about it-------------Could you imagine most of these establishments listed in this article having clean , plush restrooms?? -----it would take away all the charm!!
Has anyone ever been to the Peanut on Main??? What about Kenny's News Room?
If you want to pick on Westport, the Dark Horse is the worst of them all. You have to sign a waiver just to go in.
No disrespect intended to the fine research of this author, but if you're going to to compile a list of KC's nastiest restrooms you need to look beyond the trendy places. Not a single one of these would make the cut if I were to list the ten nastiest places I've taken a whizz. :)
@It was better than pooping in my pants ------------ You are my hero!!
Town Topic on Broadway is fairly clean but it's so small you need a crowbar to get in and out of it.
I was at Harpos in Westport earlier this week. It is the worst I have encountered. You start heading down those nasty stairs and the smell of urine hits you in the face. And what kind of trash can is that.
I had heard the bathroom at Harlings had been cleaned. First time since Jean Harlow and Bette Davis worked there.
An honorable mention should go to the urinal in Davey's Uptown. I'm 6'1" and the thing hits me about belt high.
Who installed it? Bet they sat tall in the saddle...
i admit i never go in the guys bathroom, but the girls bathroom at union in westport is horrendous! Always overflowing and clogged. super gross! i hate walking through toilet water *shudder*
to the guy who dumped on the cobblestones behind Harpo's you are N-A-S-T-Y! too bad a cop wasn't around; you're so gross!!!
I was at Harpo's a month or so ago and had to take a monster dump. I knew what the bathroom looked like so i went down there and got a huge wad of tp then went outside to the alley to the south and crapped right there on the cobblestone. It was actually kinda nice.
Harlings bathroom is pretty gross. Mike's Tavern was awful until last year when the re-did everything.
I also can't believe Harpo's in westport didn't make the list but Jimmy's Jigger should have at least got an honorable mention. When it's below 5 degrees outside I'm shocked the water in the stainless steel trough doesn't freeze.
Mr Hundall-Are like trying to get a staph infection or something?
Send Spacek in there!
I've been in all of these and Harpo's and don't remember them being that bad. Then again, I don't remember most of the rest of the night either. Probably how they get away with it.
thats why i doobie at home. why bars and restaurants are aallowed to have these is a crime most likely; i suppose kcmo doesn't have a health dept employee brave enuf to enter them. :)
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