Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Frank Denning, Johnson County sheriff, knows everything

Posted By on Wed, Jan 23, 2013 at 8:00 AM

Sheriff Denning, big authority
  • Sheriff Denning, big authority
The Johnson County sheriff does more than just run the jail and send deputies to serve foreclosure paperwork. In fact, if you're Sheriff Frank Denning, you do way more than that.

Denning, still partying after his 2012 re-election ("You're welcome, Kansas!"), last Friday posted a Second Amendment manifesto to his department's official website. The money shot: "As Sheriff, I will never support, nor advocate for, ANY legislation at ANY level (local, state or federal) that would restrict the legal possession or ownership of any type of firearm (or high-capacity magazine) by lawful, law-abiding, tax-paying citizens of Johnson County, Kansas and of the United States of America."

The hot-lead yawp also offers helpful instruction to his constituents about U.S. history, mental health and public safety. The screed, given the catchy title "Sheriff Denning and the Gun Control Issue," even sweetens its constitutional finger-wagging with a sci-fi riff. The founding fathers, he writes, "would marvel at the technology of today. They would be awestruck by jet airplanes, modern automobiles, computers and cell phones. They would be in awe of modern firearms."

Dude, they'd totally be in awe of modern firearms. Especially if, by awe, Denning means "freaked the fuck out, cowering behind Ben Franklin, hoping not to be cut in two by a shredder round."

But chill out, Thomas Paine. If you think about it, Denning is right. Guns fix everything. How? Ask the sheriff.

denning.jpg
Sheriff Denning, if I see a carload of bank robbers ahead of me in the drive-thru lane at Arby's and you're not in the car ahead of them, what should I do?

"Shoot it!"







denning.jpg
Sheriff Denning, I have the flu.

"Shoot it!"








denning.jpg
Sheriff Denning, if an alien lands in my yard, what do I do?

"Shoot it!"







denning.jpg
Sheriff Denning, this roast-beef sandwich is a little dry.

"Shoot it!"







denning.jpg
Sheriff Denning, do you know what do with a cracked iPhone screen?

"Shoot it!"







denning.jpg
Sheriff Denning, I've spotted a tornado!

"Shoot it!"








Man, I could do this all day. How about you guys? Any questions for the sheriff?

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