Studies in Crap

Thursday, March 17, 2011

You're Nearly There, the Christian sex-ed book that advises you share wet dreams with your parents

Posted By on Thu, Mar 17, 2011 at 6:00 AM

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Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

You're Nearly There: Christian Sex Education for Preteens

Author: Mary Kehle

Date: 1983

Publisher: Harold Shaw, Wheaton, Illinois

Discovered at: Olathe yard sale

The Cover Promises: You're nearly there, so think about baseball. Also: Boys should wear shirts made of girls' skirts. Also: It's time for your Godly sex-talk, so bring the dog!

Representative Quote:

"Usually around twelve or thirteen, a boy will notice a 'growth spurt' and the penis and scrotum will grow larger and resemble those of his father." (page 28). 

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Thursday, March 10, 2011

'Butt Prints in the Sand': The self-help book that's just like The Secret, but with ass metaphors

Posted By on Thu, Mar 10, 2011 at 6:00 AM

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​Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

Butt Prints in the Sand

Author: Sam Glenn

Date: 1999

Publisher: Yakadoo Publishing, Naperville, IN

Discovered at: Trinity Lutheran Church garage sale, Mission, KS

The Cover Promises: When there was one set of butt prints, Giant Sam Glenn carried you.

Representative Quotes:

"We need to make footprints in the sands of life, and stop making butt prints! WE NEED TO GET UP!"

"We will make mistakes and fail, but BLAMING the government, the weather, or anything else does not get us to Candy Land (our dreams)."

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Thursday, March 3, 2011

Special Report: Jay Leno has always destroyed what he wants in the process of acquiring it

Posted By on Thu, Mar 3, 2011 at 6:00 AM

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​Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

If Roast Beef Could Fly and Leading With My Chin

Date: 2004; 1996

Publisher: Harper Collins; Simon & Schuster

Discovered at: Goodwill

The Covers Promise: The intimate thoughts of a man with no apparent capacity for self-investigation

Hey, Can You Tell Which Quote Comes From the Book for 4-Year-Olds?

"As you can probably tell from my burger story earlier, I have a deep love for meat, and it began early."

"Ironic but true: McDonald's was responsible for my career in comedy."

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Thursday, February 24, 2011

Cute kitty pix were pretty much the first thing Americans came up with at the dawn of mass media

Posted By on Thu, Feb 24, 2011 at 6:00 AM

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​Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

The New England Home Magazine

Date: April 2, 1898, and September 4, 1898

Publisher: Boston Sunday Journal

Discovered at: Whately Antiquarian Book Center, Whately, MA

The Cover Promises: The face of a young beauty is just the finishing touch for your potpourri bowl.

Representative Quotes:

"[A Hawaiian] native cannot be persuaded to argue with a white man. He seems to have an instinctive belief that foreigner is shrewder than himself. ... They have no business capacity, lacking the power to direct and control, but are trusty, faithful and apt clerks."

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Thursday, February 17, 2011

'Why European Women Are Lousy in Bed' and other insights from 1966's Companion magazine

Posted By on Thu, Feb 17, 2011 at 6:00 AM

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​Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

Companion Magazine

Date: July 1966

The Cover Promises: Women's magazines from 1966 look exactly like men's strokebooks from 1966.

Discovered at: Liberty Antique Mall, Liberty, MO

Representative Quotes:

"In an encounter with a male, [the English woman] is apt to be overly aggressive, to act too masculine, and nothing cools a lovesick swain faster than a woman who wears pants." (page 39).

"German women treat sex mechanically, submitting to it with the same pragmatic air that an engineer might use to survey a building's girders." (page 41).

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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Advice books you shouldn't give as gifts: Is He Straight? and Losing Your Job Could Be a Blessing in Disguise

Posted By on Thu, Feb 10, 2011 at 6:00 AM

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​Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

Is He Straight? The Checklist for Women Who Wonder

Author: Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed

Date: 2004

Publisher: iUniverse

Representative Quote:

"If your husband spends excessive time on the internet viewing gay websites or porno, or if he watches gay porno at home, you have reason to be concerned." (page 40)

"When gay men are looking to excuse those homosexual urges, they may use the 'Abuse Excuse' when discussing the situation." (page 48)

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Thursday, February 3, 2011

Toybox of terror: 12 homemade toys sure to frighten kids and anger God

Posted By on Thu, Feb 3, 2011 at 6:00 AM

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Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

Look, I totally understand the modern hankering for the handmade and the pre-industiral, for children's toys that look like they might have been crafted by elves in a workshop rather than shat out of one of those Mattel's Chinese lead-and-woe factories.

But good Lord in heaven, that's no excuse for the horrors of How to Make Soft Toys & Dolls. What is the appropriate age for furry prisoner-rendition cosplay?

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Thursday, January 27, 2011

Hallmark's old-school list of what girls can be: model, actress, mom

Posted By on Thu, Jan 27, 2011 at 6:00 AM

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​Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

What Girls Can Be

Author: Dean Walley, words; Maria Hughes, art

Date: None given; probably the late 1960s

Publisher: Hallmark

Discovered at: Read "Write" Training Center & Book Store, Moriarty, New Mexico


The Cover Promises: "Oh, The Places You'll Go . . . Within the Strangling Confines of Tradition."

Representative Quote:

"I might design dresses in the very latest style.

It would be nice to be a bride who comes walking down the aisle."

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

'These animals make a peculiarly plaintive cry when molested in any way': 1901's amazing, disturbing Living Animals of the World

Posted By on Thu, Jan 20, 2011 at 6:00 AM

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​Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

The Living Animals of the World: A Popular Natural History Magazine

Date: 1901

Publisher: Dodd, Mead & Co.

Discovered at: Brass Armadillo Antique Mall, Grain Valley, MO

The Back Cover Promises: "This work was three years in preparation; everything has been done to make it PERFECT IN EVERY WAY."

Representative Quotes:

"A splendid snapshot of two black African rhinoceroses taken on the open veldt. They were afterwards shot by the party."

"The Capuchins are, in the writer's opinion, the nicest of all monkeys."

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Friday, January 14, 2011

Arizona junk shop artist A. Brady hates Muslims, links John Wayne Gacy to the Democratic Party

Posted By on Fri, Jan 14, 2011 at 6:00 AM

This is a valid artistic project.
  • This is a valid artistic project.

Your Crap Archivist just happened to be vacationing through the great, troubled state of Arizona the weekend before the angry hell, which has long been building up there, finally spewed itself out. 


I discovered the quite imitable art of an "A. Brady" in one of the many antique shops in downtown Kingman, Arizona. Like all great painters, Brady understands that the surest route to artistic immortality is to copy paintings of notorious killers, just like Thomas Kinkade did with Hitler. Brady aped John Wayne Gacy and expects someone to pay $100 for it. But more interesting than the price is the price tag.

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