Not all in-office music experiences can be tragically hip. Local underground literary heavyweight Chris Packham, who's currently working at a title company, knows this painfully well. Here's the story of a typical day in his occupational — but not vocational — life.
Phil's microphone might as well be directly connected to my office.Here at Sub-Strata Title Co. [some names have been changed to protect people's jobs], we are committed to serving our customers to the best of our ability with timely, accurate information, a knowledgeable staff, and competetive pricing. One of the ways we achieve our goals is by subjecting our employees to a non-stop repeating loop of adult contemporary music at an audible but unobtrusive volume level. We're not sure why this is so fucking good for business, but goddammit, we're going to play Phil Fucking Collins four times a day whether Warren Buffett thinks it's a good business idea or not.
What follows is a time-stamped list of the songs that actually penetrated the veil of soul-killing numbness induced by title work on Wednesday, October 18, 2006. Note that it is not a complete list of all the songs that were played, just the ones I actually noticed.
Playlist from hell:
7:41 A.M - Do You Believe in Love? -- Huey Lewis and the News
7:47 A.M. - Waiting is the hardest part -- Tom Petty
8:03 A.M. - Uptown Girl -- Billy Joel
(Got busy for a while with phone calls, 8:05 - 8:50.)
8:50 A.M. - Jesse's Girl -- Rick Springfield
8:55 A.M. - Something crappy with harmonies in the chorus
9:03 A.M. - TELL ME! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SHOOTING STAR! ONE WITHOUT A PERMANENT SCAR!
9:06 A.M. - Something stupid by Shakira.
9:08 A.M. - Can You Hear Me Running -- Mike & the Mechanics (??) [It's called "Silent Running," and it is by M and the Ms. — Ed.]
9:22 A.M. - We're In Heaven -- Bryan Adams
9:25 A.M. - Something crappy with a repetitive chorus
(a number of songs with levels too low to recognize over muted speakers)
9:40 A.M. - My Heart Will Go On -- Celine Dion
9:41 A.M. - The Tide is High -- Blondie
9:45 A.M. - Something stupid I don't recognize.
9:51 A.M. - Sledgehammer -- Peter Gabriel
9:55 - 10:10 A.M. -- Crappy songs I don't recognize
10:10 A.M. - Infatuation -- Rod Stewart
10:27 A.M. - I CAN'T LIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIVE! IF LIVIN' IS WITHOUT YOU! I CAN'T LIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIVE! I CAN'T GIIIVE ANY MOO-OORE! [WTF, Nillsson rocks! — Ed.]
10:34 A.M. ONLY THE LOOOO-OONELY! ONLY THE LONELY CAN PLAY! (No, this is not the Roy Orbison song, or a cover thereof. It is a crappy �80s song that contains a crappy �80s saxaphone solo.)
10:41 A.M. - I Miss You -- Adam Ant
10:43 A.M. - Some Alanis Morisette song I don't know the title of
10:51 A.M. - Drive -- The Cars
10:58 A.M. - I FO-OUND SOMEONE! TO TAKE AWAY THE HEARTACHE! -- Cher
11:00 A.M. - She Drives Me Crazy -- Fine Young Cannibals
11:13 A.M. - Tell Me All Your Thoughts on God -- Dishwalla
11:20 A.M. - 12:00 P.M. - Innocuous, quiet songs I couldn't hear
NOTES AND OBSERVATIONS:
-- Where in the hell are the Barenaked Ladies? They practically define this genre, by which I mean they're a band that 40-year-old white people believe will make them cool, like Dockers pants and Chrysler P.T. Cruisers.
-- Yes, you could argue that at least Tom Petty shows up in this wretched playlist for some relief, but you could also argue that it's a demonstration of mercy to allow a sleep-deprived Guantanamo prisoner to get in 15 minutes of R.E.M. before uncoiling the fire hose again.
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Megan, I seriously doubt Chris reads your MySpace blog. It's not a very original impulse to want to make fun of the music that's piped into your work environment by unseen play buttons, but doing so usually leads to amusing results, so thanks for sharing. In fact, it reminds me of this really damn interesting New Yorker article on the Muzak company. READ.
I don't wanna sound like a jerk er nothing, but this is eerily similar to a blog I posted on my 'space all the way back in may. Here, I'll show you:
Thursday, May 04, 2006
morning music AKA the bowels of hell
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
i am subbing at the central branch today. the new cafe opened. it's about 100 feet away. it has constant quiet (but not quiet enough) music streaming, flooding the hallowed halls of the library with crap. total crap.
here i'll show you:
1. "you were meant for me" jewel
2. "footloose" kenny loggins (would've preferred "Holiday Road" or the themesong for caddyshack)
3. "listen to your heart" roxette
4. "take it easy" the eagles
5. an elton john song i don't recognize.
6. "thank you" dido
7. the song from don juan demarco ("have you ever reallyreallyreally loved a woman?") bryan adams
8. some marginally talented adult modern rock band i don't know the name of. their lyrics are unintelligible, so i don't know the name of the song or what the song even entails. i do know it's crap.
9. that stupid emo-riffic maroon 5 song where he sounds all sensitive so he can get down a girl's pants. "she will be loved" is the title i think.
10. "i wanna know what love is" is that reo speedwagon? foreigner? i think it's the latter.
11. "a kiss from a rose on the grave" by heidi klum's husband seal. did you know that when it snows my eyes become alive and this song is the gayest of gay?
12. "you are so beautiful" joe cocker? lionel richie? i don't even know anymore.
13. "kiss me" sixpence none the richer. suck my dick.
14. woah they actually played a song i like. "sweet dreams (are made of this)" by eurythmics. nice.
13. totally ruined by "how do i live..." some whitebread modern country crooner. faith hill? leann rimes? don't know and don't care.
16. woah holy shit. they're playing "she's like the wind by patrick swayze." they played it tuesday. is this shit on a loop. i hope to the big baby jesus that isn't the case...
9:03 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Because I'm amused by your occasional Tragically Hip references, I will forgive you for the Flaming Lips thing.
And for the love of god, please tell Chris to update his own blog once in a while. Thanks.
"only the lonely" is an awesome song! it's by the Motels. "suddenly last summer" is way better, though. and the Cars' "drive" makes me cry. i will admit that in a public forum.
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