Chickenfoot's logo is a lazy rectilinear reinterpretation of a peace symbol, the "track of the American chicken," in the parlance of the Teabaggers and the Ice Road Truckers, the demographic cohort comprising the band's core audience. "The 'K' is backward in the Chickenfoot logo," Kansas City blogger Dave LaCrone pointed out when I told him about the band's upcoming show at the Uptown Theater. "You should spell it that way in your review." Clearly, Dave knows that my fondness for untypeable characters is as wide and deep as my love of battle rap, the "poetry of the streets." Because of this deep insight into me, the things that interest me and how I might best express those interests to other people, I invited Dave to come along with me to the show.
I'm not going to exaggerate. Chicʞenfoot is pretty terrible in concert. But they're not like the absolute towering monument of garbage you might hope for if you were a pair of irony-tourists. Or, to put it in battle rap terms,
Yo, Listen up, listen up,
You musta' been pissin' up
Drivin' in your Kia while I'm ballin' in my Hummer
You trippin' on your words, I'm droppin' beats like a drummer
Uncloggin' your brain's gonna take some Liquid Plumber
I heard your mama's stupid, yo, but Chicʞenfoot is dumber.
Drop the mic.
There's a Navajo saying that goes, "I set out one day to make friends. On that day, I made no enemies. Another day, I sat down to write a Chicʞenfoot review. On that day, I made no friends with Sammy Hagar." Last night's show, after the jump:
Alt-geriatrica rock combo Chicʞenfoot is composed of four aging performers with varying backgrounds, sensibilities and levels of fame, pretty much like The View. The band appeals largely to aging women -- also like The View. Completing the Barbara Walters hat-trick, Chicʞenfoot is anchored by a sloppy doyenne untethered from self-awareness or real engagement with the culture at large.
But are they a "supergroup?" Classic Rock Magazine, the music magazine for Victrola enthusiasts, landed an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with the members of Chicʞenfoot last April which definitively answered that question. Meanwhile, AARP: The Magazine farted dolefully, swallowed a Lipitor™, and hit the speed-dial for Jamie Lee Curtis. Again. Presumably, that's all water under the Poligrip-cemented maxillary bridge, since, as of this writing, this is the top story at aarpmagazine.org:
Your move, Classic Rock Magazine. In the CRM Chicʞenfoot interview, dynamic frontman Sammy Hagar emitted the following irrefutable quote: "We're not a supergroup, we like hanging out together and the music is a bonus." Hey, he said it, not me: According to Chicʞenfoot frontman and tequila entrepreneur Sammy Hagar, Chicʞenfoot is not a supergroup. And the music? It's a bonus. Here's the non-super lineup:
Samuel Royston Hagarthorpe
Rocket propellant, burned with an oxidizer, produces a large amount of hot, pressurized gas which is forced through a nozzle and accelerated out of the back of the rocket to create thrust. This is a pretty good description of Sammy Hagar's singing voice and the otolaryngial/thoracic apparatus required to produce it. Pounds of thrust per square inch are a better measurement of Sammy Hagar's voice than decibels. It ain't pretty, but it's very impressive the way high-pressure water forced through a fire hose is impressive, particularly when directed at Iranian election protesters or small animals. Hair by Fancy Mister of Los Angeles. Orthopedic skater shoes by Vans for Seniors.
Michael Anthony Sobolewski
Workmanlike former Van Halen bassist Michael Anthony is primarily known for his line of hot sauce. In a 2006 round of corporate cutbacks, Anthony was laid off by Van Halen Music Fabrication Concern, Ltd., and replaced in a blatant display of nepotism by Eddie Van Halen's 16-year-old daughter Wolfgang. Now he's been headhunted by HagarCorp.
Joe Satriani
Guitar virtuoso Joe Satriani is a famous and extremely talented speed-guitarist. Where an ordinary guitarist would use three notes, Joe Satriani uses 20. Basically, he's the John Moschitta Jr. of power-rock guitar. I don't mean to diminish his talent. Speed-guitaring is very, very hard! I've heard your pokey ass playing the guitar, Mr. Man, and there weren't any arpeggios, hammer-ons or pull-offs. Joe Satriani says, "I can't five-fret-stretch fifty fiii-iiive!"
Chad Smith
Rhythmatist and Will-Ferrell-resembler Chad Smith is best known as the drummer for trash-funk garbage band The Red Hot Chili Peppers. His signature is tossing an endless supply of drumsticks into the audience from a large container hidden behind the kick-drum. I am so not kidding about the drumsticks. I know they're not the most expensive things in the world, but come on, it's not like tossing guitar picks to the crowd.
Before the show, Dave said, "These guys are professionals. They're not going to put on a really bad show."
"Right," I said. "It's not like the show is going to be transcendently bad. The best we can hope for is, like, normal bad."
Opening act Davy Knowles & Back Door Slam, a traditional rock combo from the Isle of Man, write the kinds of songs that are a total bastard to play in button-pressing video game Guitar Hero: Three fun chords repeated until the player is lulled and sleepy, bracketed by eight-minute guitar solos of masturbational self-indulgence and the complexity of, like, integral geometry on manifolds. Save up your Star Power for those solos! When the drummer came to a break beat that suddenly threatened to go on for more than eight seconds, Dave exclaimed, "NOOOO! Not a drum solo! Is this 1978?" Thankfully, it was an extremely brief drum solo, but that's like saying you're grateful that the pistol-whipping didn't last very long.
While the crew set up the stage for the headliners, Dave disappeared into the bar, returning with a beer. "I have never seen so many goatees in my life," he observed.
And then Chicʞenfoot put on a loud, frenetic and delightfully shitty performance of basically unknown songs from their eponymous album. I know it's hot under those stage-lights, you guys. But whatever rock-star charisma Sammy Hagar still possesses is pretty much nullified whenever he pulls up the hem of his T-shirt to wipe the Nixonian flop-sweat from his forehead, thereby exposing his fish-belly pale beer gut in all its epididymal-white-adiposal glory. Which happened a lot. It's a long, hard road for a rock star, and Hagar's documented inability to operate an automobile within the legally posted speed limit has probably given way to his inability to find an address without driving very, very slowly up and down the street several times.
During a song called "Down the Drain," Michael Anthony set aside his Chicʞenfoot-logo bass and pulled out the famous Van Halen-era Jack Daniels bass, and guess what? It sounded exactly the fucking same. It's a bass, y'all. Bumbada-bumbada. Whereas Satriani's expertise and discernment in the field of guitar wankery probably requires him to swap out axes every now and then (I guess), did the Jack Daniels bass have some special tuning Anthony needed to pull off the subsequent songs? I just don't care.
Side-projects rarely overcome the stigma of a personal hobby -- The Raconteurs are pretty good, but after a while it just seems like Jack White's model railroad, you know what I'm saying? I tried to suggest that to Dave during a lengthy Satriani guitar solo, but it was too goddamn loud for "analogy" at the Uptown. So I made devil horns with both hands and went, "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Dave concurred, adding, "YEEEEEE-EEEEEAH!" But the sentiment holds. Chicʞenfoot is a basically forgettable nexus of power-chords, unconsidered lyrics and a repertoire of pre-programmed on-stage rock-star posturing these guys have been repeating for decades. During "Oh Yeah," the first and presumably only single from Chicʞenfoot's album, the audience proved my point: The song is a blatant attempt at a fist-pumping anthem, and for the video, the band created some specific hand gestures to accompany the lyrics, ala "2 Legit 2 Quit." And while the crowd knew the lyrics, and responded to the performers, nobody bothered with the dumb gestures. OH! YEAH!
In conclusion, RECOMMENDED WOULD BUY FROM AGAIN.
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This is the most idiotic review I've ever suffered. Why review something in a genre you detest? This is just a bunch of masterbatory pedantic bullshit written by an asshole who thinks he's smart and funny. He's neither.
Fucktard,I like that word,pretty much sums up what I think of your lame-ass review Chris.
Chris,
This was one of the greatest things I've read in a long time. I am truly shocked at the outrage being exhibited by Chickenfoot fans (I wasn't actually aware that such things existed). I sincerely hope that you don't get any form of cancer of the genitalia and that you continue to bring it. Nice.
Maybe you should learn spelling and proper grammar before you bitch about Chickenfoot. Why would you go to a concert of a band you dislike, just to bitch about it? I don't like the jonas brothers - I wouldn't go to one of their concerts just to say how bad it was and make a horrible review for it. Oh, and are you about five year olds?
Sounds like Packham has been packing many things, including some pack in between his ears. An ignorant knobuhleenus can be funny to laugh at, though.
I think Mr. Hamlin, Mr. Yufor and Todd summed it up nicely. Thanks guys and long live rock!
I was going to write long angry comment. But I'll keep it short and sweet.
Stick to the world of blogging. Where ANYBODY can write ANYTHING they want. You belong in this world.
Not only do you belong in this world, you probably won't move up and get ahead anywhere else.
Stick to blogging, pal.
Mitch
You know it's going to be a solid, thoughtful appraisal of the concert when the "journalist" (quotes used in full irony) starts his actual review with paragraph 17.
Talk about your "masturbational self-indulgence," Chris Packham's review has it in spades. Wank much, Chris?
Real reviewers are supposed to look at the performance as it is, develop and share their opinions on that performance.
In that spirit, I will review the opening paragraph of Chris Packham's Chickenfoot review. Remember, the review begins after 16 paragraphs of self-indulgent crap. By the way, in real journalism, that's called "burying the lead," and any editor worth his or her salt would've cut the first 16 paragraphs of this rubbish.
Here is the lead of the review, with my annotations:
"And (1) then Chic?enfoot put on a loud, frenetic and delightfully shitty performance of basically unknown songs from their eponymous album. I know it's hot under those stage-lights, you guys (2)(2.1). But (3) whatever rock-star charisma Sammy Hagar still possesses is pretty much nullified whenever he pulls up the hem of his T-shirt to wipe the Nixonian flop-sweat from his forehead, thereby exposing his fish-belly pale beer gut in all its epididymal-white-adiposal glory (4). Which happened a lot (5). It's a long, hard road for a rock star, and Hagar's documented inability to operate an automobile within the legally posted speed limit (6) (6.1) has probably given way to his inability to find an address without driving very, very slowly up and down the street several times (7).
(1) Chris begins a paragraph with "And." A second-grade teacher might remind him this is incorrect. Tell me, Chris, does the sentence read any differently if you drop the word "And" and begin that paragraph with, "Then"?
(2) How does the reviewer know being under the lights is hot?
(2.1) To what does "it" refer in that sentence? When he says, "... it's hot ..." What does "it" mean? This is called a "dummy subject." Lazy writers rely on dummy subjects. For example, if Chris weren't such a shitty, lazy writer, he might have edited the sentence to say, "I know being under those stage lights is hot, guys," thus avoiding a dummy subject and not altering the meaning.
(3) He begins a sentence with "but." Again, the second-grade teacher would admonish Chris. If he had used a comma after the word "guys" and continued, the sentence would've held its meaning just fine. Writers who believe they are cool often use this tactic of splitting a complex sentence. Yes, Chis, you might think you're cool. But you're a hack. (See how edgy my writing is?)
(4) In the writer's opinion, Sammy Hagar's rock star charisma is nullified because Hagar wipes away sweat with his shirt. Is anyone else but me begging to find any logic here?
(5)This "sentence" is a fragment. See (3) above. Beginning a sentence with "Which" is an amateur's mistake.
(6) Chris used 12 words to mock a 1980s rock hit that used four words. Chris is very clever. He proves it here.
(6.1) Chris writes, "It's a long, hard road for a rock star ..." Please see (2.1) above. Again, "it" is a dummy subject. To avoid using a meaningless word, a decent writer would've restructured the sentence, perhaps to something like this: "A rock star's road is long and hard ...," or "The road of a rock star is long and hard ...," but apparently Chris was daydreaming of snarky, bitchy little quips during Journalism 101, instead of learning about effective writing.
(7) If anyone can tell me what this clever little line has to do with the show, I'll buy you a new hat.
Chris, I'm sure you had no idea how many mistakes you were making in ONE paragraph of your "review," and I suspect you're a young guy who grew up reading Internet message boards and believes "powned!" is a clever response, but I have to tell you, people who want to be taken seriously ought to have a better command of the language.
You need an editor and many, many hours of practice writing.
I wish you good luck. Someday you might become a decent writer.
Hey Chris!
Were is your band playing tonight?!?
You are a major Douche Bag.
Hope you get cancer of the dick.
The FOOT Rules!!
Let me begin by saying that Chris Packham is an asshole. You know nothing about rock and roll, it's history, or anything quite resembling a brain cell in your head. You also know nothing about talent. You're obviously not a fan of rock and roll or of any of these fine musicians, so, why don't you go back to knitting? Who knows, maybe you're a Lions fan. Whatever the case, you're a loser. You're jealous and unfit to write (if that's what you call it) about Chickenfoot, or any other topic for that matter. ESPECIALLY rock and roll. It would be like me going to see and review Bruce Springsteen or 50 Cent...I hate them both and I hate their music. I just went to the Chickenfoot show last Saturday at the Filmore Detroit, and it was one of the best concerts I've ever seen and I've been to over 350 shows in my life. So just shut the fuck up, keep to yourself and I challenge you to even TRY to sing, one Sammy Hagar or Chickenfoot song, full tilt, let alone 2 hours worth of songs. Sammy Hagar is amazing, he has fun, and he'd do it for free and millions of people love him and his music. Satriani is the greatest guitar player in the world and Michael and Chad are great musicians as well as great people. You're obviously a jealous jerk. Your review of them is one of the worst articles I've ever read and I will from this moment on consider your comments and opinions irrelevant. What an asshole. One finger salute definitely to this fucktard. OH MY GOD WHAT AN ASSHOLE!
Chickenfoot ROCKED and their CD is the best rock album of the year, fucktard.
If you didn't like Chickenfoot's show you don't like pure raw hard rock n roll. They were awesome. You are not.
wow thats the biggest load of crap ive ever heard lol. you must have not gotten layed before the show or something, and you must not have very high credentials of what it takes to be a true critic. like the man said. go and listen to some radiohead.
This guy obviously didn't see the same show I saw. Not only did this show rocked - it kicked ass. I would like to see the "reviewer" even accomplishing what Chickenfoot band members did in one minute compared to his whole life..... Get one dude, and step out from under the mushroom cuz you have been covered in crap so far in life!
So, Tom, you never have preconceived notions about any of the bands you see? That's amazing.
I think (and this is going to sound really *out there*, I know) that reviews are not always meant to be written by people who have wallpapered their bedroom with posters of the band that they are critiquing. At those times, when you are surrounded by syrupy sweet love letters disguised as reviews to a mediocre musical group trying to cash in on their 'star power'? It's a refreshing change to read an article like this one.
Wow, WTF? I've read bad reviews before but Jesus Christ! Now I know why I stopped reading concert reviews when I was a teen. If you have preconcieved notions of a band maybe you shouldn't go see them and let someone else do it. What a fucktard.
WoW!! You sure didn't see or hear the show that I saw at the Uptown Tuesday night. Sorry you missed it!!
One finger salute to you!!!
Jamie Collins
Ha ha ha -- drop the mic.
This is genius. It's the anti-"Back to Rockville" review. I'm wondering if the grumpy commenters are just offended because they like the band? Don't be ashamed, we all like things that suck sometimes. I own a copy of "Journey's Greatest Hits". And I like it. It's all good.
Reading this review was a waste of time. Thanks for the gratuitous wankering of your vocabulary Chris! I was at the concert too. You should have stayed home. Find your happy place and GROW UP!
Wow this guys is one big time Jackass!! The reviews have been great for the most part.
Packham is Shaolin. Not only does he bring the best of companions to this show in DLC, he references a definitive Learning Channel phenom/show in the same breath as a goofy political movement, drops a freestyle rap, appropriates a Navajo saying, compares the band hilariously with The View (which pretty much seals their fate right then and there), then lampoons Classic Rock Magazine alongside the AARP's love for Springsteen. And that's only the intro!
I love the Statler and Waldorf-esque banter between you and your blogger buddy. But my favorite line is actually: "Hagar's documented inability to operate an automobile within the legally posted speed limit has probably given way to his inability to find an address without driving very, very slowly up and down the street several times."
Thanks for the link to the video, it was very entertaining. I liked at the very end how Hagar messed up the sequence of the hand signals (it was pretty complicated -- TWO STEPS.) I hope you attend more sucky concerts in the future, so I don't have to but can still laugh about them later. :)
I tell him that all the time, Tim, but he usually can't hear me over the Celine Dion he's always cranking in his headphones.
True, Mr. Packham does adore the completely obfuscating and offputting dissonant stylings of Radiohead, the most obscure, least popular, hardest to listen-to band in their entire world.
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