"Wanna do music with a positive Jesus message, but go on about dying & whatnot," asks a recent, Northland-based Craigslist ad [sic]: "maybe sing about getting saved, then turn around and do a song about mutilation, maybe go old testemant on them; the eye for an eye, tooth
for a tooth business."
If any of that strikes a chord, then your savior is named Cloyde, and he needs you to join him in his new "christian death metal & some bluegrass" project. His requirements:
we need a manderlin player, maybe a dobro, someone on a pointy electric guitar wth a distorted amp,im the drummer, i have 2 bass drums with a double pedel on each one, i can give the devil his dues on that kit, i have lots of cymbals too, some i bought, some i made out of ordinary household items, you will see them soon enough
Oh yes, my brother, you will see them soon enough. Cloyde continues:
it would be nice to have at least 2 bass players, an electric one & a stand up one, i mean the electric bass player can stand up alsomatter of fact, band rule #1, everyone applying must be able to stand, we are not taking applications for the wheelchair bound on this project, no offence, but there is going to be some dancing so you gotta be able to fully motivate your legs & hips..a little bit of a gimp leg may be ok, come try out
back to the bass players, we need two, not one that can play both, i like a low down dirty sound, in my christain death metal & my bluegrass
So, to recap Cloyde's wishlist:
1. manderlin
2. dobro (maybe)
3. electric guitar (pointy) + amp (distorted)
4. hellacious drumkit (check!)
5. bass players -- two (one electric one upright; players themselves must be able to stand upright and dance when required but may limp; must produce "low down dirty sound)
Though Cloyde lays out no guidelines for vocals, for the lyrical content he envisions aiming at the devil an array of expletives that land somewhere between late-night network TV and HBO: "shit, damn, & hell will be about as bad as we get," he says.
But wait:
if your sitting there thinking, "f*^K you devil, then we might as well sing it, i mean if you all ready thought it in your heart you did it anyway, but we will sing that in the death metal part of the show & growl it, so no one can really understand it, especially the youths
we are gonna sing about whores, & fornicators, just like the good book talks about
And what does the good book say about fornication?
Leviticus 19:20: And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free.
You have been warned, youths.
If you respond to this add and do end up forming a Christian-death-metal-bluegrass band with Cloyde, please please send your demo to us as soon as its pressed up and anointed with holy Sharpie.
(Thanks to Ian for the tip.)
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