Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Blood and suds

Posted By on Wed, Sep 15, 2010 at 9:07 AM

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Imaginary Movie Soundtracks are just that -- the soundtracks to movies that don't exist. We pick the songs, write the story, and your mind makes the movie.

Some of the greatest comedies of all time revolve around getting fucked up. You've got the Dude knocking back Caucasians in the Big Lebowski, the Mackenzie brothers' quest for Elsinore beer in Strange Brew, the opening scene of Supertroopers where the kid eats a bag of weed and a mind-wiping amount of mushrooms, and pretty much all of Up In Smoke wouldn't have been possible without the assistance of blunts the size of a baby's arm. In that vein, we bring you our liquor-fueled adventure, Attack of the Killer Beers.

We must start our film with Murphy's Law and the song from which we take our film's title. The movie (naturally) deals with a small craft brewery, ran by Pat, called Classy Ale. Of course, the brewery, which has been in Pat's family for years, is being threatened by the national brewer who wants to take over the tasty small-time beer and make it bland. Pat's driven to try something desperate, as the folks wanting to take over are, of course, trying tactics that would make a snake oil salesman blush.

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Pat meets up with his friend Andy, who is a quality assurance scientist in the brewery. He's been working on a special, top secret additive guaranteed to make the beer better. It goes without saying that he's failed to test it on anything or anyone, and that when he tells Pat, "Oh, sure...it works great," he means that purely theoretically. They add the additive to the beer (because that's what you do), and brew it. Jump cut to when the beer begins selling, and people go crazy for it, and it begins selling like hotcakes. As the people begin to drink, drink, drink, we hear the Suicidal Supermarket Trolleys' punk rock ode to suds, "Beer." The blast of energy goes right along with the people guzzling pint after pint.

Granted, the beer almost immediately starts to have negative side effects. Nothing much -- at first. People feel a little ill, maybe turn green. Then, of course, folks start turning into evil, blood-thirsty creatures from hell. The beer's given them a thirst for human blood. They're not vampires -- they only attack people who've been drinking. The smell of liquor turns them into ravenous beasts. The Murder City Devils' "Rum to Whiskey" tells the story of a man who drank and killed, and it sets the stage for a booze-soaked bloodbath the likes of which you've never seen.

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The mayor tries to ban alcohol, but to no effect. You see the bars close, and no sooner have their doors shut than speakeasies open, only to attract killers with the scent of cheap bootleg hooch. Pat and Andy realize what they've done, and try to race to find a cure before the entire city goes under. It's gotten worse, as once the hard liquor and name-brand beer disappeared, the only thing left was cheap beer. And once that was left, the only thing for the city to drink was...Pat's Classy Ale. And once they tapped into that, the end was near.

The boozy zombies have their numbers swell to become the whole town when the vats are breached. The vats' contents spill upon the mob that's stormed the brewery. The Tossers' "Buckets of Beer" only seems appropriate (as there are no songs entitled "Vats of Zombified Ale" out there).

Pat and Andy have barricaded themselves in, not knowing what to do, as the Classy Ale brewery is infiltrated and attacked. Andy has developed a cure, but there's no way to get it to the masses, now that society has collapsed. The two of them share some sob stories, and crack a bottle of whiskey to share a final drink before being torn to shreds. It's only when they light cigarettes to await the inevitable that they realize that there's a huge tanker truck in the garage in which they've hidden themselves. They realize they've got a way to spread the cure! To the strains of "Drinking and Driving" by the Business they two get liquored up and drive through town, spraying people from a hose attached to the tanker.

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The townspeople find themselves mysteriously covered in blood and beer, while the boys are passed out behind the wheel of the tanker, which ends up crashed through the front of City Hall. Clean Living's novelty hit "In Heaven There Is No Beer" plays over the end credits.

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