Is your new book is entitled
Assholes Finished First as a way to silence your critics right
out of the gate?
No. I don't give a fuck. I've never
given a fuck about my critics in the past, and I don't care about them
now. It's called Assholes Finish First because that's a cool
When you write your stories do you
write for yourself or for your fans?
I still write the same way, with the
same basic idea as when I started. These stories started as e-mails
to my friends. There were, like, nine of us from law school, all
friends and we graduated and went to different cities and we did all
kinds of the same stuff we did in law school, except we couldn't talk
with each other in the law library the next day. So, I just started
writing e-mails to those guys about the dumb drunken things I would
do, and that's still my thought process: just, "Are my friends going
to laugh at this?"
You can't bullshit your friends. And, you can't waste your friends'
time. It's got to be funny and it's got to be compelling, and you've
got to get to the point. That's kind of how I started, and I've never
really veered from that, in terms of my writing.
I was re-reading parts of I Hope
They Serve Beer In Hell, and I noticed that you wrote some of
these stories right after they happened. Are there times where you're
in the middle of something, and you think to yourself, "This'll
make a great story?"
It depends. There's definitely times
where something crazy's happened, and I'll think to myself, "What
the fuck is going on?" or "Where am I right now?" or whatever.
It's not like right when I'm in the middle of mid-thrust with some
girl where it's like, "Oh, how will I write this up in the story?"
It doesn't work that way.
I just go out, and have fun, and do the
things I like to do. Then, maybe the next day, if I think it's funny,
I'll sit down and start writing or writing down notes. Some things,
it's just obvious, like, I don't know...a threesome with midgets.
That story's in Assholes Finish First. Clearly,
that's going to be a fucking story. Fucking insane and amazing and
you know that's going to go in the book. But, there's other things
that aren't as obvious, and I have to sit down and write them out and
think about them before I think, "Oh, this is pretty funny. I can
make this a story."
of "mid-thrust," do you have a particular brand of condom you'd
recommend for its efficacy?
until they pay me, brother. There is one specific kind I do prefer,
but until they pay me, they don't get my endorsement.
you tried to work out any endorsement deals?
and no. I have not aggressively pursued it because all the times I've
pursued it a little bit or had companies come to me, it's like
everyone who wants to do an endorsement, wants all this other shit
from me. Basically, they want to control me. I'm not going to take
the man's money if it means taking his boot on my neck.
wanted to come to me and say, "Here's a hundred grand, and we want
you to endorse our condom," and it's a condom I like and I use, and
they're like, "Anything else you do, be who you are," then I
might be on board. That's the only way I'd be willing to endorse
something, and no company is willing to do that.
do endorse some things, though; there's Grey Goose and Red Bull in
more like, "This is what I use." Who doesn't drink Red Bull,
though? If you go out drinking, and you like vodka, of course you've
had Red Bull. I'm not going to go out of my way to pretend I'm not
using something just because some company's not paying me. There is
one alcohol I mention by name in Assholes Finish First:
Deep Eddy Sweet Tea vodka. It's like, the best fucking alcohol I've
had in 15 years.
I want them to endorse me, because I love this shit.
I love it. I drink it, like, it's ridiculous how much I drink this
stuff. But I'm not going to go them and be all like, "Pay me money,
so I'll talk about your stuff." I already like it, and if they like
my stuff, then cool. Send me some free cases. But, it's like, that
sort of money and that sort of stuff changes incentives.
Not to sound
like some weirdo Marxist, but I'd much rather keep the purity of
motive and the purity of incentive than take $15,000 and like
something stupid that I hate because somebody cut me a check.
Speaking of motives: what are yours?
does anyone create art -- any art?
they have to.
rarely get the right answer when I ask that. Absolutely right. People
ask me all the time, "I want to be a writer, can you give me some
advice?" Ask I always ask them why they want to be a writer, and
almost never do I get the right answer, and the answer is, "Because
I have to."
If you have something that you have to say, then you
should be a writer. If you want to be a writer for any other reason -
you like the idea of being a writer, you think it'd be fancy, you
want the respect that comes with it - then you shouldn't do it.
ran from writing entertainment my whole life, and it kept coming back
to me, and kept coming back to me, and eventually, I was like, "This
is what I need to do. All my friends are telling me, 'This is your
path.'" I eventually took it, and it's worked out for me. My goals
as an entertainer are the same as any other entertainer. I want to
entertain people and make their lives a little bit better by making
them laugh and maybe making them think a little bit, but whatever.
After food, shelter, warmth, entertainment's pretty important, you