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Chris Trew, sexing with the help of Celine Dion.
Chris Trew didn't give a damn how many people showed up to the Kansas City qualifier for the Air Sex World Championships. He was going to treat some lucky figment of his imagination to five minutes of erotic pleasure, and that's all there was to it.
"I came all the way to Kansas City," Trew said last night standing outside Crosstown Station. "I'm going to fuck something that isn't there."
He meant it.
Check out this NSFW slideshow here.
Trew warmed up the crowd just as well as he did his non-existent lover when he used his glasses to stimulate her clitoris while at the same time magnifying her labia. I think that's what was happening. Then he brought her home with a series of pecks like a chicken eating corn off the ground. Hot.
click to enlarge
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Chris Trew opens wide ...
Unfortunately, KC just wasn't in the mood last night. There were just a few people in an audience of maybe 15 who weren't getting paid to be there, with the rest either writing about it, taking pics, collecting e-mail addresses for Yelp, or Crosstown Station employees. Out of that handful of people, only
Skinny Thick was willing to put himself on the line
In the interest of journalist responsibility, I should probably mention that one of the judges scoring Skinny Thick was the
Pitch's own
Justin Kendall, alongside local blogger
Emily Farris and Trew's partner
James Patrick Robinson, who may or may not have committed an imaginary act of pedophelia during the show.
It might feel a little hollow to win something when the only competition is "this ghost horse" as Trew said when naming air-sexers at the end of the night, but I get the feeling Thick would've had a good chance of winning anyway. The friends at his table were behind him no matter what, which meant that he already had 40 percent of the crowd in his pocket and a sure thing victory, but he didn't make love to the air like it was a sure thing.
I'm fairly certain that Skinny Thick was fully-clothed when he took the stage to "Business Time" by Flight of the Concords, but there was something hypnotic about him, and I can't say for sure just how he got down to his red boxer-briefs. Just that he was there, and for a moment, he was all there was. It may have been the yoga poses. Maybe the raw athleticism. His air sex was so virile, so inventive, that I began to fear for his invisible partner's safety. But never for her pleasure.
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Skinny Thick gets down to business.
"I hit it during the chorus," Skinny Thick said after he walked off stage. "That's when I knew I had them."
Skinny Thick (who wouldn't give his real name, only that he was a member of the KC Crossroads Comedy Improv Troupe) now has a shot at going to Austin, Texas, to represent us all at the Air Sex World Championships. We're in good hands.
Photos by Elke Mermis
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