In the issue of Spin currently on newsstands is a list of 25 anti-Christmas songs. While we certainly applaud our journalistic colleagues for including such gems as the Anti-Heros' "All Hail Santa," we feel there are still songs that express a certain holiday ennui that they overlooked. Somehow, our list seems to be entirely about self-medicating through controlled substances. There may be a list of songs about AA and rehab come New Year, but for now, here's five songs about getting fucked up during the holidays.
The Hot Toddies' take on the slightly-creepy holiday perennial "Santa Baby" gives the song some new life. The added lines -- such as, There's one thing I really do need / Some weed / And some Vicodin, too -- take the saccharine sweetness and replace it with some refreshing honesty about what we could all use to get through the holidays. They're not advocating hardcore substance abuse, just a worry-banishing buzz.
You know that the chances of the ladies in the Hot Toddies getting their PBR or pot are pretty slim, though. Why? Well, because "Santa Doesn't Cop Out On Dope," of course. Martin Mull reminds listeners that Santa Claus turns on in his own way, and you might want to keep your joints to yourselves. I'm still not certain as to whether this is serious, or the most straight-faced, deadpan take on anything I've ever heard.
Strap yourself in, because we're about to take a trip with the helium-voiced MC Chris through a Christmas tree lot where they're all fucked up on Smirnoff egg nog. "Evergreen" confirms all my suspicions about those bleary-eyed gentlemen I see when I'm buying a tree -- they're not just selling trees, they're smoking them.
TVTV$ has recorded little else besides their song "Daddy Drank Our Xmas Money," but a more depressing, angry Christmas song I can't find. The tune combines a less than heartfelt apology from daddy with threats of kicking his butt (He can't drink if his mouth is wired shut), as well as the lament that Santa may now be dead. Apologies for the minute and a half of crap before this. The only embeddable version is from an advent calendar done by some guy in Denmark.
And, of course, what list of songs about holiday coping mechanisms would be complete without Peter & the Test Tube Babies' "I'm Getting Pissed For Christmas"? The sound of a lager can getting cracked open kicks it off, followed immediately by what can only be joyfully inebriated screaming. The lyrics are near-indecipherable, but all you really need to know is the title, which you can shout jubilantly during the chorus. There's no future in this lonely world / So I might as well have a beer isn't the most joyous of sentiments, but it's certainly easy to relate to.