There was a time when being a rapper required you to take on a hardcore persona. As Outkast's Andre 3000 once rapped, My heart don't pump no Kool-Aid -- and anyone who did have Wild Berry Blast flowing through their veins would get laughed out of any studio. But things have changed -- emo crooners have taken over. Now, even a pencil-necked journalist like me could win a fair fight with a few MCs.
Here are 10 pictures of rappers that make me feel confident about my chances of taking out a few rappers in a game of fisticuffs.
1. Andre 3000.
There was a time when Andre 3000 was the epitome of hardcore -- yet intelligent -- hip-hop. Then he started singing and wearing high heels and wigs. Now, I'm not just going to assume I can take out any man in a wig -- RuPaul looks like she has a solid right hook -- but a white, flowing wig? Bring him on.2. 50 Cent.
OK, I know he got shot nine times at point-blank range and lived to tell the tale, but how hard can you be falling for the advances of a menopausal comedian who looks like she could be the mom of the kids who buy your album? This little Twitpic snuggle-fest leaves him vulnerable to a strong karate chop to the throat.3. Gucci Mane.
Dead homies, tattoo tears, gang signs: All of these tattoos conjure fear and worry from would-be offenders. An ice-cream cone, though? Gucci Mane looks like some Atlanta version of a Care Bear. I refuse to lose a fight from a man who has a tattoo that looks like it was sponsored by Baskin Robbins. I can't imagine a weaker tattoo.4. The Game.
Unless, of course, that tattoo is a butterfly. The Game was smart enough to cover up his butterfly as his career took off, but we've already seen it. The damage has already been done. Really, a butterfly is only half a step above Hello Kitty. I'd high kick the Game until his tattoo flew off.5. Lil Wayne.
Let's ignore the fact that Lil Wayne looks like he's about 4 feet tall. Let's also ignore the fact that when he performs, he swings his hair like a Rastafarian Miley Cyrus. The reason I think I could take on Weezy? He open-mouth kisses his fake daddy, Birdman. It's supposed to be "daps and pounds," not "tongue and tonsils." An emphatic elbow drop to Weezy and his "daddy".6. Drake.
Really, I could make this a list solely of Drake pictures. Choosing one was a chore, but this picture of Drake, eyes closed, vibing out to what is probably the latest Ke$ha song with a bottle of Riesling in hand, is pretty cupcake-soft. Or maybe it's a Canadian thing. (It's probably a Canadian thing.)7. Lil Flip.
If there's one mythical character I'm sure I could take out, it's a leprechaun. So dressing up like one with a big-ass bowl of cereal doesn't quite strike fear in anybody's heart. (The top hat is just the icing on the cake.)8. 2Pac.
I don't want to disrespect the dead. But bubbles, fam? We're just going to sit here and let 2Pac sit around in a bubble bath and act like that's gangsta? I haven't taken a bubble bath since I was in elementary school, and even then I felt like it was infringing on my street cred.9. Kanye West.
I know that I could kick Pee Wee Herman's ass, so any man who dresses like he lives in that Playhouse is liable to receive a beat-down. An illuminating heart only adds to my chances.10. Jay-Z.
I've been stuffed in many a locker in my day, and during that time, I wore big dinner-plate-sized glasses. I know that big, ironic glasses are in now, especially with hipsters. And because I haven't come across a hipster whose ass I can't kick, I'm going to assume that I could give Jigga a whooping -- as long as he wears those frames, at least.Showing 1-5 of 5
When a man is "soft", wears a wig or kisses another man it DEFINITELY leads to fantasies of beating that bitch up. You act like homophobia and gaybashing is wrong. Step up looking like any of those 10 pics and you will get it too, crumbs.
When a man is "soft", wears a wig or kisses another man it leads you to fantasies of beating him up? Fuck you, asshole. Way to contribute to homophobia and gaybashing.
ice cream tat,, really? lol its bad enough you have a tat that covers half you grill,, but ice cream cone? lol
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